02/27/2015 07:19 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

What I Don't Want To See On Facebook -- Ever


Everyone knows someone who shares way too much on Facebook. Too much information about the awards your children have won or too many pictures of the food you're about to eat. So I offer this advice: there are the 10 things that you should avoid posting on Facebook unless you want your friends to unfriend you. I have violated almost every one of these rules, to be honest. But I am trying. Really.

Food Photos
Is that plate of spaghetti and meatballs really an image worthy of photographing and posting on your Facebook wall? This applies to any meal you are about to eat, unless you made this meal yourself and you are very proud of how it looks. So unless it looks really amazing, please don't post your runny chicken pot pie meal on Facebook. No more food porn. It's not the Last Supper.

Posts That Brag About Your Kids
Who isn't proud of their kids? Even if your kid isn't the captain of the football team or on the honor roll, he or she no doubt has done many things that make you proud. But posting every one of those things may be just a tad too much sharing. That definitely is true of the photos of the summer internship to the exotic locale that is basically an expensive vacation masquerading as charitable community service.

Messages To Dead People
It is entirely possible that some of your friends on Facebook have died since they accepted your friend request. You may be tempted to post a "Happy Birthday So-and-So! R.I.P." But none of those friends are reading your messages on Facebook anymore so there's really no need to wish them a happy birthday. There will be no party, no presents, no birthday cake and no candles for them this year. Dead people don't have birthdays anymore.

The same advice applies to posts that read "Happy Mother's Day to all Moms in heaven." The Moms in heaven are not on Facebook, either. They aren't having happy birthdays or happy mother's days.

Same goes for your dog whether he is alive or dead. He's not on Facebook, he can't read your post to him and he has no clue what a birthday even is. Big waste of your time typing that one.

Photos Of Your Vow Renewal Ceremony
I don't know why couples engage in vow renewal ceremonies. If two people married each other and didn't get divorced, they are still married to each other so there's no need for them to marry again. The narcissism of play-acting it out all over again is nauseating. Worse yet is inviting people to watch you pretend to marry your spouse one more time. The food better be good and the drinks flowing if the guests have to give up a perfectly good day to see you express your love for your spouse which you could have done in the privacy of your own home on your own time. That just makes you and your spouse look like creepy needy people.

Vacation Photos
Most of us have posted photos from our vacations and I have done this repeatedly. But the only ones I really like seeing on Facebook are the funny ones, like the family posing in front of the Eiffel Tower and one kid is crossing his eyes with his tongue hanging out. I like the ones that look like the couple stopped bickering just long enough to get the photo before returning to the argument about the lousy Euro conversion rate.

Messages That Bully Your Alleged Friends Into Re-Posting Something You Posted
Some folks on Facebook try to bully their friends into re-posting one of their posts by insinuating that their friends will look politically incorrect if they don't re-post it. "Post if you love animals or Jesus or life or kittens or veterans . . . and we'll see who has a strong heart." I don't cotton to being told what to do so I'm not a re-poster.

Photos Of Your Dog Or Cat
Most pet owners believe their pet is the cutest and smartest pet that ever existed. That is how I feel about my 90 pound black lab. He is the cutest and smartest dog ever and I show everyone the photographic evidence of it often on Facebook. I enjoy seeing photos of your pets, as well. But don't think for a minute that your Fido is cuter than mine. Nice try but I beg to differ. Here's another picture. Awwww!

Posts About The Weather
It may be cold or hot or just perfect weather where you are but most people don't care what weather you are experiencing unless it is one of those rare tsunami things and you had to run up the mountain with the elephants as all the people around you were sucked under the waves. Instead of posting about the weather, maybe you could just post some unsubstantiated gossip or something else even more salacious. We'd enjoy reading that. Just a few of the options out there. Think about it.

Posts About How You Are Feeling
Your Facebook friends definitely care how you are feeling but we don't need as much detail as your therapist. Trust me. And after you post about how sad you are that your soufflé fell flat like many parts of our aging bodies, some of us will feel pressured to say things we don't mean, like "So hope your next soufflé is better!" If you didn't invite us to partake in the soufflé, we really don't care.

The News
Some people like to be the first person to post breaking news about a public figure dying or a celebrity filing for divorce. But by posting that stuff, you are basically inferring that you don't think we would learn this news if you didn't tell us because we are idiots sitting in the darkened basement of life. But all of the later posts about this news will appear above yours and be read before yours on Facebook, so your post will be the last one anyone reads. There's a sweet irony in that.

So feel free to heed this advice if you want to keep all of your Facebook friends. Or ignore it. That's what the "unfriend" button is for. I'm off to post a few more pictures of my dog for you all to enjoy.

photo credit: Facebook Application Icon for Fluid via photopin (license)

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