01/03/2012 04:34 pm ET Updated Mar 04, 2012

Rick Perry's Iowa Concession Speech


Never lost a race before. I asked my speechwriter to write me a concession speech, and he quit. Said if he wanted to write loser speeches he would have gone to work for Kay Bailout. Of course, he was the genius who wrote that line about me being the Tim Tebow of the Republican candidates. Right now I'd settle for being the Dan Orlovsky of the Republican field.

Fifth damn place in God-forsaken Iowa. Field of Dreams, my butt. Why would anyone live in Iowa? This place makes Paint Creek look like Neiman's at Christmas. Asking Iowa to take a lead role in choosing the next president is like having Ron Paul teach a class on how to publish a newsletter.

Really, really should not have taken two of my back pills tonight. Wonder if they still have some of that red wine back there.

Hmm? Oh yeah. Speechifying time.

So this is what losing feels like. No wonder those Democrats in Austin are always so pissed off at the world. This hurts, man. This feels like the time that damn Longhorn anarchist burned down my governor's mansion, but then I got that sweet rental. Did y'all see that rap video with the guy wearin' that Rangers jersey pretending to be me? Google that bad boy if you haven't. Boss Hog, yeah man.

Thank God Ray Sullivan handed me these talking points. It's like ever since I stepped into this race, my mouth has slipped its leash. After that prayer rally in Houston last August it's been all down hill. My God. Can you believe I got 30,000 people to show up in a football stadium in Houston to pray with me in August? Should've had nothing but freaking prayer rallies.

Damn debates.

So, point number one. Thanks, Ray. Without these, who knows what I would have said? What's it say here... "Tonight was a battle, not the war, and we're still standing!" That's pretty good, Ray. That's a nice one-liner. Would have been nice to have had some during the debates.

Oh God. Remember that time I tried to slap ol' Mitt for his top guys advising Obama on Obamacare? It took me five minutes to say what my middle finger could've said in a second. Guess we gotta get used to living in a Mittocracy. Mitt happens, I guess. I need to start practicing that fake smile I had when I would say nice things about George W. Bush.

Apparently it's God's will that Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney and Newt freaking Gingrich beat me. I should call Bill White and ask if this is what getting beat by an idiot feels like.

You know what? Screw these talking points, screw Iowa, and screw those debates. I see some of you journalists are packing up, so maybe it's time to set the record straight.

I've said a lot of stupid things running for president. No sense pretending otherwise. Like that time I said I was offended that someone would think I could be influenced by a mere $5,000 contribution. Or the time I said people were "heartless" if they didn't support giving those kids of illegals in-state tuition. I should have stuck to what worked in Texas and said something that ended with "and the horse you rode in on."

And yes, I probably should have known the name of that pro-gay Supreme Court case and the number of judges on the Supreme Court. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not trying to pass the bar. Speaking of which, if someone will pass me up a glass of pinot or something, I'd be grateful. And of course the drinking age isn't the voting age, and drilling for oil in Canada is actually importing it. Oops.

Also, I know the damn federal budget is $3.7 trillion when I said I would cut it by $5 trillion. But that wasn't a gaffe. That's profit.

But I guess I can say any old thing these days if those ass hats at Politifact can do what they do. The whole point of the Paul Ryan plan was to end Medicare as we know it. That's how they got Republicans to vote for it. Democrats were just repeating a Republican talking point, for crying out loud. So if that's the lie of the year, then the federal budget is 50 kajillion dollars. And you can Tim Teblow me if you don't like it.

This is apparently the part of the concession speech when I thank people. I have not exactly covered myself in glory during this campaign. But I didn't do it alone. So to the campaign that couldn't get on the ballot in Virginia even though Al Sharpton did it in 2004, thanks. And to whoever sent out a press release noting the death of Kim Jong the Second, muchas gracias. I should have encouraged you all to stay with Newt.

The thing is that politics is harder for me outside of Texas. In Texas I can skip debates and editorial board meetings. You can't do that running for president. I'm not a historian like ol' Newt, but I bet I've had to deal with Ken Herman and Jason Embry a lot more up here than I did over the last 10 years or so in Texas.

I can't bully these Republicans. Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum aren't like Joe Strauss and David Dewhurst. They just don't have the sense to know when they're beat. I felt like I was roller-skating on ice during most of those debates. This running for president thing isn't like running things down in Texas. The rest of America is like a whole other country.

So save the pretzels for the gas jets, because I'm outta here. Y'all can have Iowa, because I-a-won't be campaigning no more. I'm about to become as inconsequential in your lives as possible.

Anita, let's go home. Adios, mofos.