12/13/2014 03:47 pm ET Updated Feb 12, 2015

13 Irresponsible Reasons to Get Someone a Puppy for Christmas

Maya Karkalicheva via Getty Images

And by you getting a puppy, I mean me, too, please, I really want a Golden Retriever. The problem I face is the same as the one Juliette encounters in my new book, Finding Mr. Brightside -- namely, the brick wall I live with (and love everything else about besides her anti-puppy outlook) doesn't think it's the best idea. She thinks it's the worst during the other 11 months of the year, too, but my dream seems to shatter against the brick-like "No" of her facial expression more loudly and tragically at Christmas.

Since when did getting someone (like me) a puppy that he may/may not be able to take care of become such a non-starter? Since the economy started taking a poo on us annually? Since our employers used said annual poo to start feeding employees 2 percent-raise sandwiches (with a poo-like spread on top) year after year? Since the Humane Society began airing those brutal homeless animal commercials on TV and scaring away aspiring pet owners from biting off more responsibility than they can chew?

Let's leave all of the above questions unanswered in order to better prove my point.

Here's why the surprise puppy needs to make a Christmas gift comeback:

1. Puppy won't make fun of the childhood ornament with your busted 5th grade picture on it.

2. Plenty of reasons to get new furniture when puppy chews away your college-dorm-room decor!

3. Yes, you'll have to take puppy out when it's freezing outside, over and over again, but think of all the additional steps being tracked per the Health app on your iPhone.

4. Less time to check unimportant things like the Health app on your iPhone -- puppy needs to go out again.

5. Needed to sweep the floors more often, anyway.

6. Needed to replace the carpets, anyway.

7. It'll force you to have something to talk about with the neighbors ... I've heard this can be a good thing??

8. You need someone, preferably a dog, who can bark at the initially scary (but ultimately nonthreatening) sound of the UPS man dropping a package at your door.

9. Ever noticed how the barks of Golden Retrievers are so friendly-sounding? This may remind potential burglars of their childhoods, making them feel too guilty to proceed with a holiday robbery.

10. Okay, the squirrel outside is not the burglar that your puppy thinks it is. But at least there's no burglar! The barking will stop as puppy gets older and more lazy.

11. Be honest, what's more exciting to your inner child? A) Cologne B) Puppy!!!

12. If you answered A, I'm not sure that bottle of Eternity will help you open back up your soul quite as effectively as what's underneath Box B (open it!!!).

13. Puppy will still act like it's Christmas the day after Christmas. The day after that? Still Christmas! And so on.

Am I missing any logic-ignoring reasons why everyone should be getting a puppy underneath their tree this year, especially me? Strengthen my case in the comments section below!

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