THE BLOG
11/15/2014 04:32 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

How to Survive Your Next First Kiss (In 7 Sexy Steps)

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Most of the time we're too drunk/nervous to enjoy our first kiss. This is the case for Juliette in my new book, Finding Mr. Brightside, who struggles with her tendency to vacuum the romance out of the room whenever the timing seems sexy enough for a lip lock -- e.g., skinny dipping in the Atlantic. If only she'd had the below first-kiss tips, she might've jumped in (face first) a lot sooner. Live, learn, make out.

1. Expect saliva. Perhaps it's been awhile since you last laid your mouth upon someone's and went to bootytown. If so, welcome back. You might be surprised at how much fluid actually gets exchanged during your stay. Don't be alarmed. Saliva is a naturally disgusting-if-you-think-about-it byproduct of tongue exploration ... until it's not and 10 kisses later you're certain at least one of you has a condition.

2. No hand-to-face caresses or hair-behind-ear tuck-backs, please. This tip is mostly for guys who borrow their grand romantic gestures from movies. She's seen that one, fellahs, and Ryan Gosling would've never accidentally grazed the pimple she was trying to conceal.

3. Connect somewhere other than the dance floor. Not that there's anything wrong with having an intimate moment to the deafening thump of house music, but maybe your inaugural peck would be more special anywhere else?

4. Ahem, it doesn't have to last forever. Try 7 seconds in heaven first, then work your way up to minutes. The shorter your first attempt, the easier it will be to convince yourselves that everything about it was perfect afterward. Perfectly imperfect. Besides, you have no idea what your counterpart's anaerobic make-out capacity is yet.

5. Just don't add water. Kissing in the water, underwater, or as you're jumping into the water from a majestic cliff (don't do this) = overrated. You've got enough to be sexy about without adding swimming to the list. Note: If you have longer hair like me, beware of it looking like Javier Bardem's from No Country for Old Men when wet. This is scary for others and a time for reassurance, not kissing.

6. Everyone's heads should be in alignment. In other words, don't get fancy and start tilting things at weird angles. Approximately no one else will ever want that. Following your lead will become so confusing that, at a loss, your victim will turn to stone -- similar to the tonic immobility sharks can suffer from. They're not dead; they're just waiting for the external stimulus to be over.

7. No playfully mysterious lip biting allowed. This is the first-kiss equivalent of throwing the kitchen sink at your partner's face, you filthy animal. There are less-Pomeranian-like ways to show the kind of passion you're capable of, plus you probably shouldn't be trying to give a preview of what's to avoid right now, anyway.

Have I missed anything? Pucker up and post your pointer in the comments section!