THE BLOG
01/28/2009 02:24 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

If the Democratic Primary Were a Movie, Hillary Would Be:

Johnny Lawrence in The Karate Kid.
Think about it: She's adopted the Cobra Kai ethos: "Strike First. Strike Hard. No Mercy." She's totally picking on the skinny, new kid. And she and actor William Zabka have more or less the same haircut. And, even though it's illegal and totally unsportsmanlike, she really, really wants to sweep the leg. Don't do it, Hillary. Don't sweep that leg.

Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction.
"Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, America!" Both heavily subscribe to the If-I-can't-have-it-no-one-can approach to life. Keep an eye on your rabbit, Barack.

Jar Jar Binks in The Phantom Menace.
Yes, his heart was in the right place. But everything he did just screwed over the cause. Even the peace-loving Jedis wanted to kill him about halfway through the movie. And, frankly, Hillary's campaign couldn't be any more grating at this point than if she were to launch an ad claiming "Mesa no think da bama redy 3 a.m.!"

Milton Waddams in Office Space.
Yeah, that guy with the red stapler. In the coming weeks, I'm pretty sure Hillary will be reduced to hoarding cake and mumbling about setting the country on fire.

Regina George in Mean Girls.
Anyone who watched the last debate can practically read Hillary's mind: "Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a home-schooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me! Yeah, so don't try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology, and shove it right up your hairy c..."
Plus, if you follow her campaign closely, on Wednesdays she wears pink.

Maggie Fitzgerald in Million Dollar Baby.
A good fight but it's over, sister. Time to pull the plug.