10/10/2013 04:12 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Government Shutdown

As an undergrad at Berkeley, I became well versed in conspiracy theories. Now, with the seemingly nonsensical shutdown shenanigans afoot in Washington, D.C., I am finally able to put that knowledge to good use.

Oh yes, I've put the pieces together. There's a vast conspiracy in play and it goes all the way up to the highest levels of power...

The Distinguished Senator from Calgary

Funny coincidence that, Senator Ted Cruz, the architect of shutting down the U.S. government and attempting to defund Obamacare, was actually born in Calgary, Alberta, widely considered the most Canadian province of the Canadian Empire.

In a blatant attempt to hide his Canadianism, Cruz "renounced" his Canadian citizenship in August 2013. During his 21-hour talkathon on the Senate floor, he even went as far as to read Green Eggs & Ham instead of his native Green Eggs & Canadian Bacon.

I am not fooled.

We have confirmed with numerous fictional sources that Cruz is a key figure in the double super-secret Canadian spy organization, the M.S.A. (Mountie Security Agency).

Ted "I'm not Canadian, aye!" Cruz, MSA operative, is destroying the U.S. from the inside at the behest of the Canadian government.

This begs the question: Oh Canada, why?

First Gretzky, then Health Care

The terrorists hate us for our freedoms, but the Canadians hate us for stealing Wayne Gretzky.

In 1988, the United States carried out a covert operation kidnapping Gretzky from the Edmonton Oilers (where he won four Stanley Cups) and rendering him to the Los Angeles Kings. This is uniformly considered to be the darkest day in Canadian history.

Without The Great One, all the Canadians had over us was universal health care for their citizens. But Obamacare threatened Canadian health care hegemony. Now Americans with pre-existing conditions would actually be able to get insurance.

Their only option, dispatch the MSA's top agent, Cruz the Calgarian, to do his worst. Was he acting alone? Not by a long shot.

Et tu, Palin?

From the beginning, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin was one of the most vocal critics of Obamacare and its demonic death panels. Why would she sandbag the good old U.S. of A.? Two words: Hockey Mom.

Her love of the great sport of hockey trumped her patriotism. As a pioneer in the Hockey Mom movement, Palin suffered incalculably when Gretzky was snatched by the States. How could she recruit other Hockey Moms to join her cabal when the Great One would never win another Stanley Cup?

And Alaska is basically Canada anyways. It's far away, it's covered in snow and no one speaks English.

The MSA, recognizing this opening, turned Palin to their cause.

The Tea Party: A Pawn for a Queen?

What about the Tea Party's complicity in the government shutdown? This bit is tricky, so stay with me here.

Who loves Tea Parties?

The Queen of England

Whose face is on the Canadian 20 dollar bill?

The Queen of England

Who is still angry at her upstart colony for all that Declaration of Independence stuff?

The Queen of England

Yeah, we broke away a couple hundred years ago, but the Brits can really hold a grudge. Look how long Voldemort was pissed at Harry Potter.

Over the Falls

As Dr. Strange Cruz and his minions take the helm of the USS U.S. and steer us through the Rapids of Shutdown over the Falls of Default, I can't help but marvel in the strategery of it all.

And honestly, we do deserve this. We never should have snagged Gretzky from the Oilers. And now, we have the unmitigated gall to provide health care to people who have pre-existing conditions? We brought this on ourselves.

Well played, Canada, well played, aye...