07/30/2014 05:16 pm ET Updated Sep 29, 2014

Preserve the Playdate!

There's been a lot of fuss on the Internet and on morning talk shows lately over "dad blogger" Chris Bernholdt's cockamamie scheme to, as he puts it, "BANISH THE PLAYDATE." In Bernholdt's world of make believe, kids would use "rotary phones" to "spontaneously" "play" with their "friends." And they would climb something Bernholdt calls a "tree." WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION!

This cheese-hating Daddy Blogger is trying to take America back to an unsafe era when playgrounds were not made entirely of bouncy rubber, when children rode bikes and were left in charge of their own imaginations, a dark time when young people were not provided highly-detailed instructions from a caring adult explaining exactly how to furnish their very own stained glass window crafts "just for fun," a regrettable time when parting gifts were not associated with playtime.

In his pie-in-the-sky scenario, Bernholdt would be "weeding" his yard with his back probably turned while YOUR children play on a swing set that is, in all likelihood given his cavalier attitude, not up to 2014 play equipment safety code -- it may even have WOODEN elements! WOOD!!

But this stay-at-home dad "blogger" doesn't stop there! Bernholdt also has the gall to suggest a sprinkler be turned on, probably while he still pulls weeds (WITH HIS BACK TURNED!) and that kids be allowed, nay, encouraged to partake in water play that may potentially cause a child, (YOUR CHILD!) to slip and, potentially, fall and suffer a bruised elbow or knee. OR WORSE!

This kind of irresponsible parenting is exactly why dads should go back to doing what they are supposed to: working full time and providing for their family the only way dads can, by working full time at a full time job. Nearly a percent of all Internet parenting experts agree that when dads like DadNCharge are in charge, children may smile, laugh, jump, run, swing, get wet, and make terrific memories, and as we all know too well in 2014, ALL OF THAT behavior might lead to terrible things I cannot even mention here on this family-friendly website.

So please, I encourage you to PRESERVE THE PLAYDATE -- the safe, organized, adult-led, pre-scheduled, mutually agreed upon time where children can have safe and organized fun for a specific pre-scheduled period of time in a safe and mutually agreed upon location. The future of our nation depends on it.

*This post original appeared on Jeff's blog Out With The Kids. Follow Out With The Kids on Facebook for more satire and dry humor.