06/13/2013 12:20 pm ET Updated Aug 13, 2013

12 Evil Ways to Make Your Book More Marketable

Look, we've all seen the same lists preaching better methods of how to sell books -- this isn't exactly that kind of list. This list focuses more on desperation and depravity, the Double D's. Having Double D's will help you sell anything better; particularly if you get right up in people's faces with 'em. The desperation works as motivation, while the depravity allows you to knock down what would normally be considered "pesky social morality" hurdles. You want to be famous don't you? Well then, following this list can certainly help you to become infamous -- arguably the best kind of famous.

12. Convince religious people that your book is "witchcraft." People LOVE to destroy evil things. Tell them that your bullshit children's book or cookbook or whatever was co-authored by Satan. Hold a large bonfire and compel parishioners to burn it. Wail and speak in tongues as they do.

11. Set up a fake "hero situation." Put yourself into the position to do something "heroic." Afterwards, be all "Aww shucks, I'm just a struggling author who was in the right place at the right time." The folks in the Midwest will eat this selflessness up. This tactic works especially well in conjunction with tip #10.

10. Tell the news that 100 percent of your proceeds are going to charity. Really get people on board with this. Tell them that you're passionate about combating "poverty" and then, just before it comes time to present the giant check, change your name to "Charity." People will forgive you in a few years.

9. Claim there is a treasure map hidden in the book. Start a website that releases a clue a week to the $250,000 fortune your "rich aunt left you in her will." By the time you run out of phony clues, so many people will have a copy you'll be able to afford round-the-clock security.

8. Procure an insane amount of blood. Drench a bus stop in that blood and leave a copy of your book as the only "clue." Make sure you have an airtight alibi.

7. False prophet scam. Preach your book as a new religion to anyone who will listen. Tell people "searching for answers in life" that all the "true God's" teachings can be found in the pages of your otherwise unremarkable detective novel. If you can, figure out a way to weep blood and levitate. This one is the counterpoint to tactic #12.

6. Enlist kids to sell your book door-to-door. Buy some Scout uniforms and promise a gaggle of kids that you will give the one who sells the most copies a PS4. People will buy more crap from kids than they will a scummy adult. Also, with this one you're eliminating the middleman entirely.

5. Publish a sick list of ways to market your book. Make people wonder about the sick fucker who wrote such a diabolical list to the point where they buy a copy to see what else the creep has to say.

4. Enlist a caged serial killer as a "spokesman." Imprisoned serial killers are good because they have a cache about them that will get instant press. Befriend one through a prison pen pal system and get him to claim (by offering some of the royalty money) that your book has "influenced him to detail where some more bodies are hidden." Boom, instant press field day. Screw him out of the royalties after that because he is in jail and can't do squat about it. Plus, you will earn some good karma for screwing over a serial killer.

3. Incite people to use your book as a "protest tool." Throw a copy of your book at somebody prominent. Influence protesters of that prominent person to do the same. That shit will catch on.

2. Tell everyone you are dying and this book is "your gift to the world." People like stuff by people who are dying before their time. They think it makes your words "more important."

1. Announce that you were lying about #2. You've already sold copies to people out of love. Now you'll get the crowd who will buy it out of hated. You've just doubled your audience.