09/07/2012 07:19 pm ET Updated Nov 07, 2012

The MTV Video Music Awards 2012 Was the 'Honey Boo Boo' of Award Shows

When my insomnia hit its high point, I go to my gym and do cardio for hours. I usually use the elliptical because it's better for the joints, and because I feel like I'd probably wipe out on the treadmill. Getting to the point, I turned on the television, and apparently the MTV Video Music Awards was starting. I found myself in awe at how bad things have gotten. The VMA's, after viewing in full, is a bellwether of how bad popular culture in America has gotten.

You could, and I'm 100 percent serious, go back four years ago and watch the same show and it would be no different. The same people are winning, performing, and speaking. I can't remember a show where they didn't show a preview for the next Twilight catastrophe. How does a network that shows no music videos get to have an awards show about music videos? That's like going to a movie theater and seeing costume contest for cats and dogs. Wait, I'd totally be down to go see that.

The word Best means that out of all other possible choices, the winner is by far better than all other choices. So how is it that Drake won anything? How did the kid who was on the remake of Degrassi beat Childish Gambino for Best Hip-Hop Video? How did Chris Brown get nominated for anything at all? And how is One Direction even popular? They don't do anything, at least NSYNC and The Backstreet Boys had choreography and danced. These people couldn't dance, or sing. This is the first time I wished a musical group lip-synced.

All of that wasn't even what angered me. The show soon progressed to Best Rock Video. The nominees were The Black Keys, Coldplay, Imagine Dragons, Linkin Park, and Jack White. Out of all those bands, I see only two legit bands. Jack White is a local Detroit hero, and The Black Keys are America's rock band that actually rocks. I knew The Black Keys would take it because Gold on the Ceiling is such an outstanding song that I listened to it on repeat, and rewound parts just to hear it over again. Then Coldplay won. I'm surprised the president didn't refuse to speak after this just happened. I can imagine in his earpiece during his DNC speech that he would have just stopped talking, flipped the podium, and flicked off the crowd. I didn't even know Linkin Park made music that wasn't for some terrible Transformers movie anymore. Good for them, bad for ears.

The video and song that makes this entire ceremony useless, besides more of them, is the song 'Call Me Maybe' by Carly Rae Jespen. When I first heard this song, I looked in the sky and waited for the end of days. If this song was played on the radio, it means that we have no hope. There is no one in a garage making good music anymore. Instead, there is this girl singing nonsense in a garage trying to woo a guy that turns out to be gay. No problem with being gay, but it was like a pointless M. Night Shyamalan twist that was even more pointless than an actual M. Night Shyamalan twist.

I finished out my cardio session and walked to my car with what felt like PTSD. I didn't even listen to music when I drove home. I could feel the hearts of young musicians with a dream being broken after witnessing their futures implode. Even electronic music was destroyed with the inclusion of Skrillex. He turned that noise you heard when you picked up the phone using a dial-up modem into millions of dollars. I'm going to go record my lawnmower riding over an easy bake oven and sell it. It may sound like a stupid idea, but re-watch the MTV Video Music Awards, and think differently.