02/01/2013 05:31 pm ET Updated Apr 03, 2013

The 10 Worst Super Bowl People

If you're a guy, Super Bowl Sunday is what you've been looking forward to all season. If you haven't been looking forward to it, you're probably wondering why girls look at you weird and giggle when you walk by them. You'll notice some people at this special time, people who shouldn't be near a sporting event. Annoying people who ruin the game for you and others.

Square Guy

This monster doesn't care about the game. He will be playing pool with some douche he brought, most likely, and check in once in a while during the game to see if his squares match up. You're too busy holding back rage that you tell him the scores so he will disappear before you throw a shoe at him. He'll lose though, because he was too busy looking at Jeep magazines at his salon rather than watching SportsCenter.

Commercial Guy

"I don't really care about the game, I like the commercials." Yeah, you've heard that. Don't you want to round house that guy in the face with soccer cleats? Commercials are for bathroom breaks, getting another beer, and having a smoke. It's a given that these commercials will be above average, but that is why the post-game is there. Those commercials will be on TV for the next full year to annoy you. So when those commercials come on and that loser who is near you starts tapping on your shoulder and repeating it to you, elbow him in the face and tell him to knock it off.

"Who's Playing?" Guy

Some guy that shows up and asks who's playing should be shot in the urethra. Why show up? Why even care? Stay home and watch the movie "Dave," and wonder why the Kevin Klein looks like the President. Let that joke sink in a bit. It's simple kids, if you don't watch football; you shouldn't be watching the Super Bowl. Go watch Soccer and pray it isn't another tie.

Penalty Guy

This jerk who loves one of the teams doesn't shut up. Every play that doesn't go his way will have complaint shrink-wrapped with it. He thinks there should be a penalty whenever things don't go his way. You will put up with this by rolling your eyes, laughing, or burying him alive in your neighbor's yard. I'm not saying you should do this, but some people overreact sometimes.

Madden Guy

This fool who shows up comparing each play to how he plays Madden is the key Little Lord Fauntleroy. He thinks that he's a better strategist because he knows plays from Madden 2013 or whatever. The important thing to realize is that these guys are total losers pretending to be athletes. Sorry, these athletes have better things to do like banging models or doing Coke off of hookers. Madden isn't a big deal to them, except maybe the laughter. Madden loves to draw!

"I Have to Work Tomorrow" Guy

All of us do, but that is why we have an excuse. I have things like "I can't make it in today, my car won't start." or "Al Gore impounded my car!" Stuff like that. They didn't believe me, but I was too busy battling the Decepticons with my battle lasers to fight. Maybe not, but call in anyway, your boss most likely did too. Oh, and just wait until after the game when you hear people discuss about how Monday should be a holiday. Riveting!

The Wasted Guy

The Super Bowl is a big deal here in the States, so it is often a good reason to get quite wasted. The trick is not to get completely plastered before even the first quarter is done. This guy will be spilling his drink, getting Doritos everywhere, and generally a walking mess at your party. Make sure you hide all of your expensive things, because he will be playing body pong with your walls.

"Did You See That!?" Guy

Everyone is sitting around watching the game, generally that means they're paying attention to what is going on. But one guy doesn't think you are paying attention as closely as he is. He will remind you by raping your shoulder with his hand reminding you of what just happened. Really, a touchdown just happened? Where was I? I must have missed it while I was watched it happen the entire time right next to you.

All about the Half Time Show Guy

If you know anything about the NFL, you know that they have no idea who is actually watching the Super Bowl. They generally don't know how to advertise music to men. I'd like to see The Black Keys or Muse rocking the stage and getting people hyped for the next half. Instead, in 2000, they had Enrique Iglesias. But for some reason, some idiot is always convinced the halftime show will be awesome. He will tell everyone to shut up so he can hear some crappy mainstream band play garbage on stage. I'm pretty sure that next year they'll just say "screw you" to all of us and have Kei$a feat. One Direction ruins everything for us. This year we get Beyoncé? Because when I think of football, I think of Beyoncé complaining about men in front of men. That's like asking my girlfriend to stand in front of the screen and ask me to take the garbage out and explain to me how, "You're just like your Father!"

Someone's Girlfriend

This goes without explanation.