03/07/2013 06:44 pm ET Updated May 07, 2013

Fair Is Fair

Greetings, from behind the "Tinseltown Curtain." This is a series about life in the media capital of the world, Hollywould'vecould'veshould've. Before I go to bed at night, like many, I flip back and forth between "State Run" television networks, MSNBC and FOX News. It's amazing how a story about the same person, can yield such a different result between the two competitors. On one channel, a person is a "Hero for Mankind" and on the other, he's the "Spawn of Satan." My dear friend Don Miguel Ruiz, once said, "There are seven billion different version of the truth, yet there is only one truth." Hmmmm. So, last night as I watched the topic de jour, which was immigration, I drifted into a deep sleep and had a really interesting dream.

In my dream, I found myself standing before Congress to debate the issue of a comprehensive immigration policy. I checked my pile of legal briefs, cleared my throat and addressed all 435 members:

"Good morning distinguished members of the House. I'm acting as legal counsel for the eleven million undocumented workers in this country, hereinafter referred to as 'Defendants.' I have personally communicated to all of my clients -- thank God for Twitter -- and we have decided not to fight the certain members this body that wish to deport 11 million people. Res ipsa loquitur -- we can take a hint! As a matter of fact, we have even priced out what 110,000 buses will cost for said exodus. If it pleases those members of this session, the undocumented immigrants have actually decided they will depart this country post haste.

However, they feel it's only proper to take with them all the various items hereinafter referred to as 'Intellectual and Cultural Properties,' that they and their ancestors have contributed to this great nation. 'Fair is Fair!' First off, they are taking with them the number zero! Don't worry, you'll get to keep the numbers one through nine. After all, their Mayan ancestors invented the concept of absolute zero. They're comfortable with this acquisition, because that's what they have become used to getting in this country anyway, absolute zero. In the arena of staple food products, they realize they invented corn, but don't want to see the citizens of this country go hungry, so they are leaving corn and any other relevant vegetables. You however, will have to pick them yourselves!

Please note, they have exercised proper intellectual protection rights on the following: vanilla, chocolate, cigars, chewing gum, spiral staircases, all items associated with cowboys, lariats, sombreros, chips and salsa, the dollar bill sign, bananas, mangoes and coconuts. Not to mention the names of the states currently referred to as Arizona, Colorado, California, Nevada, Montana and Florida. Do we need to discuss New Mexico? I think not. Additionally, all cities contained herein, but not limited to Albuquerque, San Francisco, San Jose, El Paso and Las Vegas. What used to stay in Las Vegas (in this case the name) is now leaving -- Adios Vegas! All dance steps, including the samba, flamenco and lambada will cease and desist. They will, however, leave you the macarena!

All Salvadoran, Guatemalan and Mexican restaurants, including El Pollo Loco, excluding Taco Bell, will be shut down post haste. You will not be allowed to consume tequila or sing the lone lyric of the song of the same name. I Love Lucy episodes will be removed from syndication forthwith. Not only did Ricky Ricardo create the show, he also invented the three-camera sitcom. Because of that, NBC will now have to change their slogan on Thursdays to "Won't See TV." My clients apologize that it had to come to this; they harbor no ill feelings and wish you health and happiness. If I may offer a little advice, before I leave, Be careful not to piss off the descendants of other cultures that migrated, documented or undocumented alike to this great nation... we'd hate to see you lose your telephones, electricity and automobiles too."

From my deep sleep, I suddenly shot up into a seated position in my bed. My heart was pounding and my PJs were drenched in a cold sweat. I looked around the room to gather my bearings, and next to me, my wonderful wife was still peacefully asleep. It took a moment, but then I realized it was only a bad dream, especially the part about being a lawyer. I can hardly wait for my dream about "Gun Control."

The end