02/22/2013 10:34 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

A Gay Man's Oscar Viewing Survival Guide

Attention gays and those who tend to hang out with us: It is finally here! Oscar weekend 2013! And I, for one, am already annoyed with Anne Hathaway's sobbing.

The Oscars, as we all know, are an important weekend for Hollywood, but just as much so for gay people. Why? It's not like many gay people get nominated for Oscars all that often. I mean besides Dustin Lance Black and Queen Latifah... who else is there? Okay... Jodie Foster, but this isn't a contest... it's a post written by me, so please let me finish. Thank you.

No matter how few gay people have been nominated for Oscars, our people DO run the media, fashion, pop culture, and Hollywood so... it's our weekend.

I am always faced with the same Oscar dilemma: go watch with a group or watch at home? For those of you brave enough to venture off into an Oscar viewing party, here are some tips on the dos, the don'ts and the things to look out for when viewing the Oscars with a large group of gays.

1. This is first tip is specifically for the host: RECORD THE PRE-SHOW. I don't care how little space you have left on your DVR. Delete that episode of Katie with Bette Midler from December. I know you think you'll watch it someday but let's face it... you barely have enough time to keep up with any of the new ABC dramas as it is. The pre-show is part of the Oscars. Period. Let's move on.
2. On the topic of recording, RECORD THE LOCAL NEWS FOLLOWING THE OSCARS. I cannot tell you how many Oscar parties I've been to where I left not knowing who won Best Picture because some jerk was too busy making his guests a plate of "The Iron Lady Fingers" to record some extra time.
3. No one cares about the time you saw Hilary Swank at The Grove. I certainly don't.
4. PLEASE do not talk during the Best Supporting Actress speech. Tell me your life story during Best Editing, tell me about the time you almost ate a plastic cup in Amsterdam during Best Documentary Short... but if a woman of a certain age or size or color is accepting an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
5. Dress nicely. I don't care if you're at someone's apartment... it is the Oscars, not the Super Bowl. This actually matters.
6. None of us are thrilled Seth MacFarlane is there but he is, so deal with it, and let's try not to tear the entire opening monologue apart, or at least wait until the commercial break.
7. There really is no "Best Dressed" or "Worst Dressed," however there is "Talented" and "Not Talented" and I'd be more than happy to debate the latter with you.
8. Anne Hathaway is going to win, you guys. And it's going to be a lot to take in. I don't know how you feel about Anne Hathaway and it doesn't matter either way. However, she's going to win and we're all going to have to deal with that. Get used to it now. Start practicing by saying it in your mirror: "Academy Award winner Anne Hathaway." Try it now. Say it out loud. I know... but just keep practicing 'til Sunday.
9. No matter what movie wins, your friends WILL disagree with it. And no matter how well the Oscars show runs, your friends WILL proclaim it to be the worst ceremony in Oscars history.
10. Finally, relax and enjoy yourself. It's a fun night to celebrate movies. Don't spend it getting pissed off at the success of others. You're not Glenn Close or Annette Bening. Unless you are in which case... OMG -- I LOVE YOUR WORK!

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