04/02/2014 03:50 pm ET Updated Jun 02, 2014

Feds Want Warning Labels for Bridesmaid Dresses

A long national nightmare may soon be ending for American women. The Bureau of Consumer Protection recently announced updated rules that would require all bridesmaid dresses to include a special warning label stating "One Time Use Only -- Not To Be Worn As Normal Clothing!"

"This is a problem that's been allowed to fester for generations," said BCP spokesperson Juliet Snider. "Year after year, women who agree to be bridesmaids find out they are going to be wearing dresses that are garish, bizarre, or downright disturbing. And they all hear the same reassuring words from the bride-to-be: 'You'll be able to wear it afterwards, too!' It's time for this cruel charade to end!"

Officials at the Federal Trade Commission say they have received thousands of complaints during the past fifty years from a wide range of consumers who suffered physical or emotional damage caused by the appearance of bridesmaid dresses in public settings. "These garments have led to car accidents," Snider asserted. "A pedestrian wearing one can distract drivers and cause mayhem at busy intersections. I even heard from a woman in Ohio who wore her bridesmaid dress on a weekend trip to Amish country and caused the horses to stampede. One farmer said his cows stopped milking. Enough is enough."

Reaction from the wedding industry has been muted so far. One editor at Brides Magazine dismissed the issue as misguided election year politics. "The bureaucrats in Washington never change," said the editor. "For them, finding ways to impose petty little regulations on the free market is always in fashion."