10/26/2007 03:46 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Ghost Polling on The Campaign Trail

- 34 percent of people...say they believe in ghosts, according to a pre-Halloween poll by The Associated Press and Ipsos.
- 19 percent...accept the existence of spells or witchcraft.
- 23 percent say they have actually seen a ghost or believe they have been in one's presence...
- Three in ten have awakened sensing a strange presence in the room.
---News item 10/25/07

The following results of a secret poll conducted by the National Security Agency in cooperation with the Houdini Consortium (a loosely organized group of paranormal researchers) were obtained by this writer using a fast-track application under the Freedom of Information Act and a
Ouija board.

***46 percent of those surveyed believe that ghosts are politically active.

***61 percent said they would vote for a candidate who believes in ghosts.

***12 percent of respondents reported sensing a strange presence standing beside them in a voting booth.

***22 percent said it's possible that problems with vote tallies during the 2000 election were caused by ghosts in the machines.

***Two in fifteen have awakened in the middle of the night and seen Dick Cheney standing at the foot of their beds.

***17 percent said that if the cartoon character Space Ghost was a real entity, he would make an excellent third-party candidate.

***36 percent claimed they had received advice from a ghost about who to vote for during previous campaigns.

***Three in 19 have awakened to find the lights in their bedroom blinking on and off and then heard Dick Cheney's voice laughing eerily inside the walls.

***44 percent said having a ghost as President would be a good way to scare Iran and North Korea into giving up their nuclear ambitions.

***When asked how they felt about the possibility of spending one night in a modern high rise condominium populated by all the candidates seeking the 2008 presidential nomination compared to a night alone in a creaky old haunted house built on top of a cemetery, 96 percent of those questioned said they would be less frightened by the ghosts.