09/22/2013 10:33 am ET Updated Nov 22, 2013

News of Me

Omigod! I overslept! 6:03! Major badness! OK, I'm up, moving, fingers typing, getting the word out, notify the followers --"Eyes open, back in the game, ready for coffee!" Tweeted! Awesome. Do I want Sumatra or Tanzanian Peaberry? Hyper-local means you tell me! Vote now on my Facebook timeline while the water is heating, poll closes in 90 seconds. Oh wow -- great sunrise visible out my bedroom window. Grab the iPhone, hold steady, got it! Check out that flaming cosmic ball on Flickr and Instagram. Back in sync, controlling the moment, sourcing topical content, personal insight and spontaneous household events in real time. Canine care always comes first. Grover, my faithful Wonderdog, so happy to see me filling the food bowl, quick pat and step back to watch him devour lamb-infused kibble, six-second video loop going to Vine, complete photo sequence ready for viewing on Pinterest, and now it's time for my morning pills. Aspirin first, then Lipitor, left hand for medications, right hand for texting, mouth open, big swallow, and--message sent! Coffee poll now closed, Sumatra wins 467 to 389, brewing begins. Are we aggregating yet? My motto: 'A' to the 5th power -- Aggressive aggregation advances audience awareness and you heard it here first and again just now. Whoa baby! Grover is doing the hind-leg circle dance with the bowl in his mouth! Three-and-a-half turns, personal best!! Feeding entire sequence to Tumblr right this second, Dolby-enhanced soundtrack added by noon, super LOL opportunity if you have new Android 4.3 with reverse-motion app. Morning microwave entree is Swanson Hot & Sweaty Texas Scramble, calorie count and nutritional details available at WhatImScarfingDown.blogspot.urp along with gluten-free recipes and non-conventional serving suggestions. Holy Jiminy! Video of Grover circle-dancing is trending at Number 6 on Yahoo Top Ten--media stardom beckons, Grumpycat say your frowning feline prayers! This just in -- starting today additional broadcast option extended to HomeCast Cable subscribers at EZ-Channel Multiplex 66-10. If 'No Signal' message appears visit service provider home page to install converter software update. Complete transcript of today's activities also available for free downloads. Hygiene segment begins in 12 minutes, bathroom-cam just activated, highlights in addition to shower and shave will include eyebrow trim, toenail clipping, tooth flossing and, if time allows, possible wart removal. Thank me later for sharing. So great to know that in my life there is absolutely positively no such thing as TOO MUCH INFORMATION!