06/20/2013 05:11 pm ET Updated Aug 20, 2013

Obama Rumors You Haven't Heard Yet

I just got hold of a secret memo being circulated by a shadowy wingnut group that runs a website called and it contains a new list of complaints about President Obama that is being circulated among bloggers and other social media rumor mills. The group is worried that too many Americans are being distracted by Obama's handling of trivial issues like the economy and immigration reform. It also wants everyone who reads this list to remember that while these allegations may not be completely factual, the truth about Obama is always going to be far, far worse.

1) Whenever he has to blow his nose he'll throw the tissue toward a waste basket and usually it misses, and he NEVER picks it up. The janitors in the Congress building say it happens every day. Litterbug!

2) If he finds out Michelle is coming to the Oval Office and it's not a scheduled visit he crawls under the desk and hides, and has one of his flunkies say he got called to the Pentagon for a secret meeting. Liar!

3) On those trips where he goes to visit people in their homes, to show how he likes staying in touch with average Americans, if he needs to use the bathroom he'll just go right in without knocking. And if somebody's already in there, he doesn't say "Sorry" or anything. He just walks away. Egomaniac!

4) He likes to call John Boehner at home and then hang up. He does it from pay phones so the calls can't be traced. Creeper!

5) Once he knocked over a tourist and instead of helping her up, he just leaned down and handed her a stick of that "no smoking" gum he's addicted to and said, "You need to learn how to walk and chew at the same time." Bully!

6) If he gets thirsty during the night he goes to the White House refrigerator and drinks milk right out of the carton. Doofus!

7) He thinks it's funny to put Tabasco sauce on his dog's chew toys. Sadist!

8) Sometimes when he oversleeps he just puts on extra cologne and gets dressed without taking a shower. Slob!

All Obama critics are welcome to add their own unsubstantiated charges to this list and always be sure to mention that he was BORN IN KENYA!