02/19/2014 04:27 pm ET Updated Apr 21, 2014

Putin Says Obama Caused Russian Hockey Failure

Russian President Vladimir Putin is now blaming the dismal performance of Russia's ice hockey team on Barack Obama.

"This is Obama's legacy, his curse. It is the obvious conclusion," Putin was overheard saying to onlookers and reporters while watching his team getting eliminated from further competition in a 3-1 loss to Finland.

As to how Obama could affect the outcome of any sporting event from thousands of miles away, Putin was adamant. "Merely the presence of Obama, in any form, real or televised, will contaminate the onlooker with his power of failure. I have seen him on TV screens here, on CNN, and we should have taken steps to prevent this. He menaces the basic concept of success."

As further evidence, Putin pointed to problems associated with an American warship, the USS Taylor that ran aground recently in Turkey. "This ship cannot make dock without crashing and damaging?" he asked with mock incredulity. "And who is Commander-in-Chief? As the journalists like to say--dot the connections!"

Putin said reports of unfinished construction and sub-standard hotel accommodations around Sochi would be thoroughly investigated for links to the Obama administration. When asked how the American Olympic team could be doing so well in the medal count while representing a country governed by a continuously failing (and cursed) chief executive, Putin's eyes narrowed as he replied, "This matter will be pursued."