09/26/2012 01:50 pm ET Updated Nov 26, 2012

Recipe for a Non-Controversial School Year

Dear Parents and Guardians:

By now you've received the standard "Welcome back" letter from the principal. It explained how the staff is looking forward to a productive academic year free of problems that can disrupt the educational process. That's where we come in.

We're the Rockman Group, a nationally recognized law firm retained by the district to assist in the area of conflict resolution.

What kind of conflicts are we talking about? Well, many of you may remember last year when a student came to class wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with a cartoon of the principal's decapitated head on a stick, roasting over campfire like a big marshmallow. The repercussions were convoluted and largely counter-productive, and having local TV news drones trying to grab sound bites from students as they got off the bus was particularly egregious. So goodbye to all that. From now on when a similar incident occurs, we say it's time to 'Bring on the Rock.'

Representatives from our firm will be on campus daily to provide full documentation of all disciplinary cases. Our emphasis will be on prevention not reaction. No longer will provocative garments be allowed into the building. Nor will anyone be permitted to bring the family ferret and claim it's a service animal. The school will not be turned into a testing ground for the limits of free expression. Anyone who wants to romp into that minefield can do it on his/her own time, which means nights and weekends.

There are no secrets to our methodology. The Rockman Group strives for total awareness. If there are no secrets there are fewer options for surprises. Here are some examples of how we bring transparency to the campus:

We've installed CCTV in every hallway and classroom, the cafeteria, and all outdoor meeting areas. It operates day and night and uses the latest facial recognition software so there will be zero disagreement about anyone's identity in any given frame.

We know what's in every backpack and book bag that comes through the front door. Ditto for the lockers. We have scanning devices the TSA can only dream about.

We're keeping track everything that gets posted on Facebook, YouTube, and other web venues.

Because privacy laws about wireless phone communication and the legality of monitoring call traffic are still somewhat hazy, we can't speak on the record about that particular subject, but the implication should be obvious. Just know the implication is probably true.

There may be some members of the school community who object to these measures and we're happy to discuss all legitimate concerns. However, adversarial responses won't be looked upon kindly. Whoever should decide to confront us will quickly learn the meaning of "no contest."

Seriously -- do you think the Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution to coddle some teenage twit who thinks it's cool to attend school wearing Jockey shorts and zombie make-up, or a prosthetic sex toy? Is that little bump of banality the legal hill anybody really wants to die on?

The Rockman Group believes school is a place for learning and not an open audition for 'The Kardashians' or some other brain-dead reality show. And keep in mind that, as one of the most respected law firms in existence, our connections reach onto the admissions board of every top college in America. We are not all stick and no carrot.

It's possible our tone may be misinterpreted as overly stern by some readers and for that we apologize. We're simply making a statement of purpose. This letter is not meant as a threat. It's a teachable moment.