THE BLOG
03/19/2013 03:18 pm ET Updated May 19, 2013

Twinkie Comeback Will Be Really Big!

Sponge cake fans across America got fantastic news when it was announced that a joint venture by private equity firms Apollo Global Management and Metropoulos & Co. will take over production of Twinkies and other popular snacks from the bankrupt company formerly known as Hostess.

A statement issued by Dean Metropoulos said, in part, "Our family is thrilled to have the opportunity to re-establish these iconic brands with new creative marketing ideas...We look forward to having America's favorite snacks back on the shelf by this summer."

How much shelf space will be needed? "A whole lot," according to one source who claimed to have seen detailed plans of specific 'creative ideas' that will drive the Twinkie comeback. "New York City is where the re-launch is going to start," he asserted. "We can all thank that judge who recently stuck down the limits on big sugary drink sizes. New Yorkers now have total freedom to indulge their cravings for taste treats and it's the perfect marketing moment to offer them Super-Size Twinkies."

"They'll probably be slightly smaller than a loaf of Wonder Bread," said one Apollo executive who asked to remain anonymous. "We'll start by offering single units and once a firm market share is established we'll switch to the traditional twin-packs. They'll be perfect for tailgating at the stadium, college dorm study breaks, weekend camping trips, and all you need to do is stick in a few candles and bingo! Instant birthday party."

Marketing plans will also target potential consumers outside the U.S. "I was told they'll be making an immediate approach to North Korea," said one Wall Street analyst with close ties to the new Twinkie owners. "We've been hearing rumors that Kim Jong-un loves American snack foods, so the plan is to send Dennis Rodman back to Pyongyang with a massive supply of the new product. They might also include Charlie Sheen in the mission for added press coverage.

"Some critics will say the move to super-sizing is un-healthy and misguided," the analyst conceded, "but we need to give it a chance, especially with the international implications. Tensions are running high all over the globe. I'd say a giant serving of 'Twinkie Diplomacy' is exactly what the world needs right now."