02/13/2013 06:44 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Hey Girl... Happy Valentine's Day

I don't know about you, but I spent many a Valentine's Day home alone wishing someone would spend his allowance on a ridiculously over-sized teddy bear holding a plush heart that I could perch in the corner of my room as a constant reminder that someone loved me.

I've written a letter to that girl.

Dear Jenni [because you know, I was still Jenni in those days],

How's it going, girl? Happy Valentine's Day. I'm from the future. Yeah, your style doesn't get much better as you age. Sorry. But look how good your teeth look now! I know those braces seem like a real pain in the ass, but they're really going to pay off. And look at your hair! Amazeball invention: the straightening iron. It's like your very best friend in the future. I know it seems crazy to think you might actually want to straighten that glorious permed hair, but someday, I think you might realize that you've got a face for straight hair -- and hats (you might try a hat now). I'm not trying to be bossy or anything. It's your hair. But between the braces and the perm it's just... a lot going on. That's all I'm saying.


Anyhoo, let me get to why I'm writing. I know you're home alone today and it sucks. I know you think that you're never going to have a Valentine, but that's not true. Now, before you get too excited, let me just go ahead and burst your John Hughes' movie marathon bubble: you're not going to marry Jake Ryan. You're going to marry Long Duck Dong. Actually, that's not true either. The Hubs is probably closer to an Asian version of every character Anthony Michael Hall ever played in the '80s. That's not bad, right?

Your Hubs is funny. Like really funny. You're going to laugh your ass off. Every day. He's super smart too. I know, I know. Right now, smart guys are not that appealing to you. You sort of like that burnout bad boy, but honestly, Jenni, have you thought that one through? The best he can hope for is any job that doesn't run a drug test. Maybe you won't listen to me about the perms, but you need to trust me on this one: You want a smart guy.

Wait until you see your kids. I know you think you want five or six kids, but I'm telling you that shit is foolish. You can barely handle two. You're going to have two really beautiful, sweet kids. Just stop while you're ahead, because who knows what else you might get.

Now here's the kicker: Right now, you're sitting home alone wishing you had someone around. Fast forward 27 years and you'd do anything to get the house to yourself for the night. Crazy, right? You're going to be so loved that you'll dream of this night.

Well, I've got to get back to the future now. Your kids are home from school and everyone wants a snack and I have to quiz your son on his spelling words and work with your daughter on her reading and give everyone baths and sign permission slips and write checks for their soccer camps this summer and make sure the Hubs is cooking dinner (yeah, he cooks -- Wow! Right?). You enjoy your night alone, because you're not going to get many more.

And oh yeah, go easy on the half priced chocolates the day after Valentine's Day, OK?



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