01/29/2013 12:22 pm ET Updated Mar 31, 2013

10 Rules Every Grandparent Should Know

If you've been reading me for any length of time, you will know that I love to make a good list of rules. Rules for daughters. Rules for sons. Rules for my kids when they're at playdates. Rules for moms who host playdates. Rules, rules, rules. I enjoy a good list of rules, even if I hate to follow rules (don't we all?).

Now, I have a new list.

Rules for Grandparents.

Disclaimer: Now, now, I know my parents will read this blog and before they get their knickers in a wad, I will say: You are good grandparents and even better free babysitters, so just relax over there. These are not all about you. Just have a laugh -- and maybe stop watching so much "CSI" in front of my kids. Adolpha knows what "blood splatter" means.

Actually, that's a good place to start:

1. Be mindful of what you're watching on TV in front of my kids. I helped you sign up for extended cable, now use the directory and find "Scooby Doo," because "Game of Thrones" is not appropriate viewing material for my kids.

2. Be a good sport. When you attend my children's sports games, do not heckle them, their teammates or their opponents."Move your ass, Number 3!" is never acceptable -- and yes, everyone gets an award. I have to deal with it and so must you.

3. Grandchildren are not show ponies. Don't dress them up and parade them over to see Old Mrs. Chapman next door so they can "cheer up" her and her cats with the new songs they learned in Spanish class this week.

4. Keep your passive-aggressive threats to yourself. "Don't worry, if your mom says 'no' you can always come live with grandma" will get you banned from my house. Or I might call your bluff and leave two kids and all their belongings on your front porch. School starts at 8:20 and Gomer needs over 100 of the same objects for the estimation jar and Adolpha needs to bring healthy snacks. (Do you even know what those are? Because I barely do.) Oh, and don't forget to take some photos with Flat Stanley and get everyone new soccer cleats. I'm off to the spa!

5. Car seats are mandatory. Yes, yes, I know. Somehow, we all survived childhood without car seats, but now you're old and you drive like shit so buckle them up.

6. You are not a doctor. Whiskey is not an acceptable treatment for teething and Vicks VapoRub is not the cure-all for every ailment.

7. Stop trying to buy their love. You never tried to buy my love, so why are you trying to buy theirs? They love you. They do not need any more crap from the Dollar Store. Now, if you want to make a donation to their college funds... those are always accepted and appreciated.

8. Go easy on the sweets. Try serving some real food along with all the sugar you allow them to consume. For example, if they have donuts and hot cocoa for breakfast, then lunch can't be leftover donuts with a Pixie Stick for dessert.

9. Bedtime is 8 p.m. sharp. I'm being generous here. At home, bedtime is 7 p.m.. I've given you a whole extra hour of fun time. Bedtime is not a "suggestion" -- unless you want to keep them tomorrow as well.

10. Did I ask for your opinion? You had your chance to screw up a kid and now it's my turn, so pipe down with all the unwanted advice.

I know there are more, so let's hear them.

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