03/19/2012 12:10 pm ET Updated May 19, 2012

My GPS Can Suck It

I could possibly be the only person who has driven to and from the Hamptons 10,000 times and still gets lost. One weekend, on my drive back, I was comfortably driving along on the Long Island Expressway back to New York City when for absolutely no reason at all, I pressed the button to begin navigation back to my house, where I could pretty much drive to with my eyes closed. The friendly English voice starts to call to me, "In a tenth of a mile, make a left turn."

That can't be right, I think. That would take me off the main highway home. Why would I make a left off the nearest exit?

Ignore it Jena. Ignore it.

The GPS starts to make a dinging noise indicating the turn is coming up and I am about to miss it.

Ignore Jena. Don't fall for this. Again.

Yes, it's happened before. I am terrible with directions and if I had to guess, my GPS is apparently set to, "You are an idiot if you listen to me," if that's an option.

Now she isn't polite anymore. She is curt.

"Left turn!"


And then again! "Left turn!"

Is she yelling at me? That bitch. I will kick her English ass. Before you know it, I caved to the peer pressure and made a left turn, off a major highway which goes straight to my apartment practically.

Now she is back to being polite. "Continue on the current road for approximately three miles."

Three miles on this road? But its going in a direction totally opposite of the city. I mean, she's from England. Does she really know her way around here? But her voice... it's so... calming. It gives her some type of direction authority. Maybe she knows something I don't, I think. Maybe she is protecting me from an insane traffic jam ahead. Maybe there is one of those overturned tractor trailers you hear about on the news. She's so nice, that GPS lady. I love that she has my back. I listen to her. She is like the David Karesh of my car.

I drive three miles in the wrong direction because she told me to.

After three miles of driving on a stretch of road in a direction I don't need to be going, she has me get on a highway I never even heard of. As I am driving, I am thinking "This feels wrong -- very wrong -- and totally out of my way." Then she has me get off at a random exit in a town I didn't even know existed. Was this a bad neighborhood? In Long Island? Huh! Who knew? Now I am making turns, U-turns, she had me stop and mow a strangers lawn. I played a quick game of hopscotch with some girls in the street.

"Mommy? What are you doing?"

"Sorry honey, the GPS told me to." I shrug my shoulders as I jump along.

I hop back in the car where the GPS lady tells me to basically make a left, then a left, then a left into a U-turn, kick ball change, pivot turn, jazz hands and do the entire tour of this bad neighborhood all over again. But she said it differently. She didn't use those exact words.

"Look kids, Big Ben!"

"What's Big Ben Mommy?"

"It's a big clock in london. It's a joke from a movie. Sorry honey. Mommy is frustrated. And lost."

"I'm scared."

Me too honey. I am scared I am going to strangle GPS lady.

"Don't be scared. I'm not lost."

"But you said you were."

"Don't worry, I'm not."

I am lost. I'm fucking lost! Are we in Maine? Does this look a little like Texas all of a sudden? Cause it could be. At one point I think we stopped for pancakes in Vermont. But that's blurry now because all I can think about are the crawfish we just had an hour ago in Louisiana. Where are we?

Four and a half hours into a would be two hour trip, I call a friend for help.

"Hey, my GPS lady is a bitch, can you please get me back on the Long Island Expressway?"

I give my location. I glance down at my GPS to give it the finger. The "route" looks a little like a green silly straw with way too many loops and circles to ever get out of there.

"Oh. Really?" My friend said, "You are really far from there."

Of course I am. I have actually gotten three passport stamps out of the trip and I am possibly holding a work visa in another country.

They gave me some directions of how to get back to another main highway and I was on the road home. Finally on a familiar road. Better watch out GPS lady, I got your number. I pressed the button that said "cancel guidance." Buh-bye GPS lady. Who's in charge now bitch? Don't worry, I'll use you again soon... obviously.