THE BLOG
12/05/2014 06:03 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Things That Look Like My Post-Baby Boobs

A few weeks ago, Kim Kardashian almost broke the Internet by showing the world all of her bits and pieces. There were nekkid booties everywhere. Right away the Internet channeled its snark into hilarious memes and hashtags including: "Things that look like Kim Kardashian's bum." In the meantime, a completely modest photo of me breastfeeding was reported on Facebook for being nudity... for the second time! Because the world makes sense.

With Kim K's shiny, nekkid booty keeping the Internet abuzz whilst my own completely clothed breasts were creating Facebook controversy, I wondered what the Internet would come up with for a #ThingsThatLookLikeMyPostBabyBoobs hashtag about my tatas...

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Many years ago, while still full of life, my boobs raised eyebrows. Now they are flat like pancakes. (Keep a careful eye out for the puns. They're so subtle you might miss them. Kinda like my boobs. Ba-dum-ching!)

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If only they were still round like pancakes. I once was a tart with an ample rack of cupcakes, but carrying two babies past their due dates and nursing for three years was a recipe for boobs that resemble rolled-out bread dough.

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Formerly busting out of sweaters, my boobs have now burst like overfilled water balloons. Well, it was more like a slow leak, and I was left with drained, deflated balloon boobs.

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I've considered filling them with helium but I'm afraid they'll just sound funny.

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Tube socks. They look like flat tube socks. Ironically, they sag so low that soon enough I'll literally be able to use them to cover my feet.

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The Many Personalities of Tube Sock Boobs: The "Swing Low Sweet Chariot," The "Curtsy," The "Please, Sir, I Want Some More," The "Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Solider," and The "Fruit Roll-Up."

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Between their flattened state and the stretch marks, it looks as though my boobs were run over by a tractor, leaving behind huge tracts of land.

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I should be stocking up on Wonderbras now that my knee-highs are knee-lows. My poor old boobs look like a stretched-out pair of nylons stuffed with super balls. Also, insert a joke here about "tights"... I'm running low on puns.

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*This space reserved for a joke about control top or sheer-to-waist.*

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This is where I attempt to parody Kim K's infamous Papermag images. If you've never seen her four photos, these likely will make no sense. They likely make no sense even if you have seen her photos, but I aim to confuse (and amuse).

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A brave comparison of the girls in 1998 and present-day.

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Maybe my boobs look like tube socks. Maybe my butt doesn't look like two hams that have been rolled around in a butter-filled kiddie pool (... and I don't think I would want it to, *shudder*). But I'm OK with that.

I don't hate my post-baby body. I actually LOVE my body, saggy boobs, muffin top, and ALL. You can call your stretch marks Tiger Stripes if that makes you feel better... and I'll call mine Tire Tracks. I gotta be able to laugh at myself... a lot... because sometimes the truth is just FUNNY! I hope that you're comfortable in your postpartum skin, because it really IS a beautiful thing. It's different, but it's beautiful. And if you're not quite ready to laugh at yourself yet... then laugh at me! I really don't mind.

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SERIOUS NOTE: Breastfeeding isn't what causes your breasts to sag. Pregnancy does. Well, pregnancy, heredity, and aging. So blame your great-grandma and Father Time, but not the mommy milk. Feel free to nurse those bubs without worry. Check out the articles below for more info on what causes postpartum, post-nursing breasts to sag.
*Breastfeeding Does Not Make Breasts Sag, Study Suggests
*Twin Study Shows Moisturizing, Breastfeeding Stall Breast Aging
*Breast Problems After Breastfeeding
*Does Breastfeeding Make Breasts Sag?

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I hope you found this post uplifting and that it raised your spirits! I'm here if you need any support!

What things look like your post-baby boobs? Let me know in the comments! OR tweet using hashtag #ThingsThatLookLikeMyPostBabyBoobs!

This post originally appeared on JennRian.com.

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