Breakups are rough. Trust me, I've been through plenty of them. Some are easier than others, but they still hurt.
When breakups happen, we have the tendency to go into a mode where we obsess over all of our mistakes and wish that we had done things differently.
We start thinking:
"I shouldn't have said..."
"I shouldn't have done..."
"I should have..."
"I wish I..."
Thought after thought after thought, all wishing that we could change the past in some way in the hope that our present situation is what it isn't. We just with that somehow we could fix everything and our relationship could be back the way it was.
Though obsessing and focusing on all the "should haves" is a normal stage of the grief that we have to allow ourselves to go through, we have to be mindful about going too far with it. Meaning: Are you obsessing so much that you're trying to control everything in your current situation?
Are you trying to force your ex to talk to you? Are you trying to force yourself to forgive? Are you trying to force the two of you to "figure things out" just so you can go back to dating again?
Admittedly, I've probably been one of the worst possible people at this. I'm a total recovering Ms. Fix-it. It was very hard for me in the past to simply accept the breakup for what it was and let go from a place of love and respect for the other person.
Though it can be extremely difficult to fully heal from heartbreak, there are things that we can keep in mind that help us release this urge to try to fix our broken relationship.
1. Regardless of what "technically" happened, it's still not completely your fault and it's not completely their fault, either. Typically, when we start feeling the urge to control and fix our broken relationship, it is because we are beating ourselves up. It's because we're thinking in our heads, I messed this up, I'm not good enough and I need to change.
While its true that we do have areas where we need to grow and become better, it is never completely our fault. After all, it takes two to tango. The other person's imperfections certainly didn't make things any easier.
That being said, its also good to keep in mind that its never fully the other person's fault, either. So we want to avoid the urge to point the finger at the other person as well. It's both people together that create conflict.
2. Focus on your own well-being. When we have most of our energy focused on trying to fix our breakup, we completely forget to focus on one of the most important things of all: ourselves. Try to take time to rest, eat and talk to a loved one. Allow yourself to grieve and process what you're going through.
3. There's always other fish in the sea. For years, I cringed every time someone would say these words to me, but now I actually find joy in the truth of it. There is so many potential lessons and experiences out there in the dating world.
Trouble, however, is that we can never fully see our possibilities if we are too focused on what we have lost. Sure, allow yourself to grieve -- your soul deserves the time to do that -- but be mindful about focusing too much on what you have lost. You don't want to end up in a rut and miss out on noticing the gold that's in front of you.
Take action now!
Take our a sheet of paper or a journal and write a letter to your ex. All the things you enjoyed about the person and the things you will miss. Write down the lessons you've learned by being with this person. Allow this time of writing to be a way of really honoring the relationship that you had with this person. But don't actually send it!
Now, on a separate sheet of paper, write down all the not-so-great things about being in a relationship with this person. Try to be mindful about not going on a tangent over how terrible the person was -- keep it reasonable. Focus on the things that you can do, learn and experience now that you are not with this person. Imagine the possibilities.
This blog was originally published on JenniferTwardowski.com
Jennifer is a self and relationship coach and teacher. She helps women worldwide create fulfilling relationships and lives by helping their hearts' true desires to become a reality. Click here for her Free Self and Relationship Healing Meditation.