We have all, at some point or another, experienced the pain of a breakup. Whether we ourselves initiated the breakup or if we were the ones broken up with, we still go through emotional waves of sadness, fear, anger and guilt.
It's tough to cope. Some moments you may feel perfectly fine, but then something triggers a memory and you find yourself trying to fight back the tears. Or just when you think you're completely over it, you cross paths with them and all those thoughts and feelings of being with them come storming back again.
With these emotions all over the place, it can be a very confusing and difficult time. But here's the good news: It doesn't have to be! Here are some guidelines for you to heal form a breakup gracefully and mindfully:
1. Do not contact them for at least 90 days.
This is a rule given by Greg Behrendt, the author of the book-gone-movie He's Just Not That Into You. Though in some cases I feel it can really depend on the state you are in post-breakup, the best rule of thumb you can make for yourself is to simply not contact him for about three months.
During these first 90 days, you are going to be experiencing a wide range of emotions. With all those emotions, you're not necessarily going to be to be able to hear that little voice of your intuition telling you, "This isn't the one, there is something better on the way." So do yourself the favor and set that rule for yourself.
2. Trust, know and believe that you will find better!
One of the habits we all go into right after a breakup is that we start thinking about all the great things about this person then try to convince ourselves that we will never find that again. Let's have a quick reality-check: Though you may not find someone just like your ex again, you will find someone better!
Here's a question: Have you ever dated someone who was actually worse than the ones you dated before them? Probably not, because you grow as an individual and through that growth, attract and find people in your life who resonate with your level of growth.
For as long as you are still focused on your own personal growth, the relationships can never get worse, only better!
3. Focus more on what your partner was lacking rather than what you miss about them.
Answer the question: What would my ideal partner be like? What would my ideal relationship be like? Use this recently ended relationship as a guide to know exactly what you want and what you don't want. Focus all your energy on improvement so the next time you meet a potential partner you know if they really fit into your ideal relationship vision or not.
4. Love yourself in the way your partner didn't or couldn't.
Breakups are difficult and when we're sad and trying to heal, it can be difficult for us to remember to really take care of ourselves. Focus on the little blessings about your day: The sunshine, the flowers or the crisp morning air.
Every day, focus on the beauty and miracle that is life. Do things for yourself: Go shopping for some new clothes (but be sure to give yourself a limit so you don't regret it later), take a nice bubble bath, spend a day at the beach, have a day at the spa, read one of your favorite books, dance while you're cleaning or sing in the shower. If you feel lonely, reach out to some friends or family members for company. Create some "date nights" with your friends to make up for the dates that are now missing.
5. When you feel sad, angry, scared, or guilty, then let it out.
Cry. Just cry -- and don't be afraid to let it out if it happens to be on the subway or at Starbucks (I've been there!). That's what sunglasses are for if you really don't want people to see the mascara running down your face.
It's okay to cry. It's not wimpy or inappropriate. It's genuine and shows strength. So be honest with yourself and the world and let the tears come out!
And if you don't feel sad, that's okay too! One of the funny things about breakups is that sometimes even though we are sad, we feel guilty for not feeling sadder, which only causes us more unnecessary pain.
Are you currently struggling through a breakup? Ask yourself and reflect on the following questions: Did my ex REALLY feel like a perfect equal to me? How were we not quite on the "same level"? What qualities would my ideal partner have that my ex didn't have? What would my ideal relationship look like? Finish the following sentence: 'It was good that we broke up, because... '
This blog was originally published on JenniferTwardowski.com
Jennifer is a self and relationship coach and teacher. She helps women worldwide create fulfilling relationships with both themselves and others so they can live happy and joyful lives. Click here for her Free Self and Relationship Healing Meditation.