There's a lot of bad information spinning around out there, and there's a lot of male-centered information. Women orgasm differently from men, and in some ways the act of sex as we currently know and accept it is in opposition to women's pleasure. In honor of tomorrow -- International Day of the Female Orgasm -- let's get to dispelling the top 11 myths about the female orgasm from my new book, O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm.
Myth #1: Orgasm is the only goal when it comes to having sex.
Sex is about pleasure. Sometimes, it's also about connection. Orgasm is a lovely byproduct. But too many people think of sex -- and masturbation for that matter -- as akin to a road trip. You have a destination and a map and a single tool, your car, to get you there. Sex should be geared toward exploration rather than destination. Even if you've done it a thousand times before, each occasion has the opportunity to be a new adventure. So follow it where it leads and keep at it for as long as the pleasure lasts.
Myth #2: All women can easily have multiple orgasms.
Women are a lucky bunch. We have the capacity for multiple orgasms. But don't let the movies fool you. That doesn't mean that all women, or even most women, actually have them. And even for those who do, it doesn't mean that it's easy or that it happens each and every time they have sex or masturbate.
Myth #3: All women like the kind of sex you see in those romantic movies.
Nice girls want to be f*cked too. Although porn is dangerous because it implies that women easily come instantly and multiple times and that sex with a man is all about the man, romantic films are equally dangerous because they suggest that all we want is to have our hair gently stroked and our backs rubbed. F*ck that. We want to be f*cked too.
Myth #4: It's perfectly fine to fake an orgasm.
Although I can tell you from firsthand experience that no partner I've had has ever known I was faking it, that's nothing to be proud of. I was doing myself a major disservice every time I faked the Big O. Why? Because I was basically telling my partner that what we did resulted in an orgasm, which implies that said acts bear repeating when -- most often -- nothing could be further from the truth. Sex doesn't always lead to orgasm. But it must always lead to pleasure. So tell the truth every time.
Myth #5: Having safer sex ruins sex.
That's just crazy talk. Safer sex is actually sexier sex because one, it shows that your partner cares about you enough to protect you, and two, it allows your brain not to worry about pregnancy or STIs and instead to focus on the important thing at hand -- playing with your partner!
Myth #6: No woman wants to have a quickie.
Anything that starts with "no woman" or "every woman" is likely untrue, because we are all as different as we are alike. Plenty of women enjoy quickies. Once again, it's all about the who, when, where, why, and how. A quickie doesn't have to result in an orgasm, and it can be a fun way to connect with your partner when there's no time for anything more.
Myth #7: If you have a skilled partner, there's no need for sex toys.
This is bunk. Period. Having an orgasm isn't easy for all women, and there's no shame in using whatever means you enjoy. So bring on the toys, and the more the merrier as far as I'm concerned. One of my favorite things is to have a partner penetrate me slowly with Betty Dodson's Vaginal Barbell while stimulating my clit with any number of vibrating goodies.
Myth #8: All women can easily reach orgasm.
Intercourse is not the main event. (I know, I know. Scrape yourself off the floor.) The biggest problem when it comes to female orgasm is that men and women expect women to be able to come in the three to five minutes that many men last during penetration. But it doesn't work that way for most women. We need 20 to 30 minutes of clitoral stimulation on average, according to Betty Dodson, and a combination of activities is generally preferred -- and still, there are no guarantees.
Myth #9: Position makes no difference when it comes to female orgasm.
Position makes all the difference when it comes to orgasm, but not for the reasons you might think. It is unlikely that a woman will come from penetration alone. If she does, it will be because everything prior to that was stellar, the penetration was well-timed, and the position allows for clitoral stimulation either directly or indirectly.
Myth #10: Penetration is the key for a woman to reach orgasm.
Intercourse alone usually does not lead to orgasm. Twenty-five percent of women say they can consistently orgasm via penetration alone. Even that number may be high; most likely, those women who reported orgasm from penetration alone were experiencing some level of clitoral stimulation from the thrusting. I would argue instead that 99.9 percent of women need clitoral stimulation if they are going to reach orgasm. There are always the outliers. But we're talking about the rule here, not the exception.
Myth #11: Male orgasm is primary and female is secondary.
If you have a male partner, this is the most important thing you need to know when it comes to orgasm: Yours is just as important as his. Equal. Just because it may take you longer... Just because you can have more varieties, more often... Just because penetration alone doesn't necessarily do the trick for you... None of that means that female orgasm should in ANY WAY take a backseat to male orgasm. Male and female orgasms are equally important. Always.
For more myth-busting, check out my new book, O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm.
Excerpted with Permission from O WOW: DISCOVERING YOUR ULTIMATE ORGASM, Cleis Press 2015 (c) 2015 Jenny Block. Edited for length. All rights reserved.
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