02/14/2015 08:46 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Here's Why You Shouldn't Make Yogurt or Lift Weights With Your Vagina

Titus Lacoste via Getty Images

Note: The following blog contains graphic language.

It's been almost six months since I wrote "Let's Clear Up Some Lies You've Been Told About Vaginas."

So, I suppose it's time to clear up some new Internet mayhem that's brewing. First, don't make yogurt with your vagina. That is not what it is for. At all. I have long extolled the taste and texture of eating pussy. But only if it is pussy that is all-natural.

That means not putting anything in it or spraying anything on it (the vulva, that is, in the latter case. Again, it bears repeating: the vagina is the inside, the vulva is the outside.) This also means not collecting the secretions and using them to make food.

I don't get it. I really don't. What's next? Snot sundaes? Pee porridge? Feces and fennel? Spit soup?

The vaginal canal is designed primarily for semen to travel in, should one want to create a baby, for menstrual fluid to leave the body and for a baby to travel out. Period. That's all. The rest are just party tricks, and creating food product in it or from its secretions is not only foolishness, it is also potentially dangerous. Why? Because what is collected could be not only lactobacilli. It could also be additional bacteria, pathogenic bacteria.

Making yogurt from your vagina is a party trick, and the pussy is not a toy. The pussy is a wonder. It can produce incredible orgasms with remarkable health benefits. It can bring a baby from the womb to the world. It brings pleasure and life, not breakfast.

Speaking of party tricks. Vaginas also do not need to weight lift. At all. But apparently, not everyone got that memo.

Yes, Kegels are your friend and there are weights designed specifically to be inserted into your vagina in order to strengthen those muscles. You can also just contract and release. Try it now. I am.

But the vagina does not -- I repeat -- does not, under ANY circumstances, need to lift surfboards. Or tropical fruits. Or cold-pressed juices. Or gluten-free, organic donuts. Yes, those are real examples. From this entirely-too-real article.

This makes women looks ridiculous. Likes props. Once again, like objects for male pleasure. Need proof? Go to Insta and check out #ThingsILiftWithMyVagina.

This game has a name, of course, Vaginal Kung Fu. It claims to connect women to their pussies and their power. Go to a BodySex workshop. Go to Women Positive Burlesque. Read Camille Paglia. Masturbate. Do your Kegels. For God's sake, just put a mirror between your legs and get to know the goods.

But you don't need "ejaculate that shoots across the room." Trust me. Unless you are in the industry. In which case, hone your trade. But for us regular girls. No such party tricks are necessary.

You can call me hyper pussy protective because I'm a lesbian, and a true lover of pussies. That may be true. But no matter who you are, you have a reason to protect the sanctity of the almighty pussy. Trust me. If you are a man who wants to have great sex with a woman, you want a woman who is fully connected to her pussy power. If you are a woman who wants to have great sex partnered or alone, straight or gay, pussy power should be paramount to you. This is a mental and physical health issue. Pussy's are not for parlor games or food production.

It's getting out of hand. All of it. Women are so disconnected from their bodies. They don't masturbate enough. They don't advocate for themselves in the bedroom. They are squeamish about too many things when it comes to their bodies. Not all women, of course. But too many.

If we are ever going to really love our bodies, we have to first respect and honor them. We are beautiful and we are strong. We are emotional and we are brilliant. We are sexy and we are maternal. And we have pussies that belong to us that are our pleasure -- and power -- centers. No photo op or viral blog is worth humiliating and dishonoring ourselves, which is exactly what is going on here.

Want some attention on the Internet? Get an adorable pet, or leave a waitstaff person a HUGE tip.

Women are not playthings. Pussies are not for party tricks. It is hard enough to be taken seriously as a sexually empowered woman. This shit is not helping. Cut it out.

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