THE BLOG
10/01/2014 10:50 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

If You Want Great Sex, Think Like a Lesbian

Frenk Kaufmann via Getty Images

It's bad news right from the start. Just check out the title -- "15 ways to turn a good girl bad: Six sexperts suggest 15 ways to make her great in bed (without her even noticing)."

So, let me get this straight. Being bad in bed is equal to being a good girl and being good in bed makes you a bad girl and you have to "make" her good in bed without her noticing? Because... She couldn't or wouldn't want to do it on her own?

I could write a whole essay just responding to that incredibly offensive and disempowering titled. But there's so much more to get to here. And if I was a guy, I would be hopping mad about this crappy "advice," because I'm mad enough as a girl who sleeps with girls for all of us.

Here are some of the real peaches in this charming piece.

"If she's too gentle. 'Place your hand on top of hers, finger against finger, to guide her when she's giving you a hand job... Be firm and keep going until you're done so that she can replicate the experience next time.'"

Ew. So you're basically jacking yourself off using her hand? I mean if she says, "Hey, honey, show me around down there!" then that's great. But if not, take a page from the lesbian playbook and communicate.

If you want her to do something differently, just say so. "I love a firmer touch. Want to give it a whirl or could I show you how?" That's called communication and enthusiastic consent.

It gets grosser, of course. "'If she's going down on you, take her hand and show her how to use it as she sucks you... Many women think it's all about the mouth, not realizing how much easier -- not to mention quicker -- the whole 'job' can be using hands as well.'

Why does it need to be easier? And what's with the "job" in quotes thing? If she doesn't like doing it and she wants it to be over, then it's not that she should be doing it more efficiently, it's that she shouldn't be doing it at all.

Again, take it from a lesbian who loves pussy. I don't eat out just for her pleasure. I do it for mine too. If a woman isn't into giving a guy a blow job, she simply shouldn't be giving him a blow job. No short cuts required.

And it gets so much worse. "If her tunnel of love doesn't feel as snug as you'd like, sign her up for a pilates course." Sign her up? Seriously? And will he be taking that "Stop being an asshole and masturbating yourself with your partner's hand" class? What guys are listening to this? None of the ones I love and respect.

A woman's body is not created for a man's pleasure. At all. Period. In no way. Under any circumstances. If you choose to have sex with someone, you are enthusiastically consenting to sharing the bodies you both have and enjoying them as you both see fit.

You are not agreeing to change your body or learn to do circus tricks. Any guy who signs you up for Pilates should get moving before the door hits him in the ass. We don't have to fix ourselves for anyone, because we are not broken.

Maybe it's because we have the same equipment as one another or maybe it's because being "tight" is of no concern. But regardless, think lesbian before you think about condemning your partner's body. In other words, if you had those parts, would you want someone saying that to or about you? Or trying to trick you into changing for their own sake and nothing more?

And I love this one. "DON'T PUT OUT" the heading reads. Perfect. Nothing like passive aggressive mind games to "trick" someone into wanting you. "'Stop asking and you may find her sexual appetite gets the better of her.'" Or, more likely, she'll get closer to her vibrator or a sexually mature partner who doesn't play games and he'll be searching for a new partner to trick into pleasuring him.

Again, if you put your lesbian hat on, you won't do this kind of nonsense. Yeah, we girls might over-process. But we get that shit out on the table and do our best to leave the games for the softball field. Sorry. Couldn't resist.

"If she's shy, tires easily on top (or she just doesn't fancy you), turn her around to face your feet, keeping your legs together." This is "less strenuous" according to the "expert" quoted here.

I'm sorry. If she doesn't "fancy" you, you should "turn her around." So she can think about another guy? So you can think about another girl who does "fancy" you? And again with the "less strenuous." If you don't want one another and sex is "too much work" I have much simpler advice - DON'T HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER.

By the way, she is not an inanimate object. New positions can be great -- IF you talk about them and play with them as a couple because you both think they'd be fun. Not because you wish you were sleeping with other people or because "this sex thing is too hard." Come on, people!

No self-respecting lesbian would treat another women like an object because she wouldn't want to be treated like one. Time to think like a lesbian again. You might not mind being objectified. But no self-respecting woman I know likes it. So don't do it. And if you don't want her, don't fuck her. Period.

Then things get so much worse that it was all I could do to not start this piece with these gems.

"'Getting her to the level of orgasm can be a hard slog'... So stage your own industrial revolution and bring some machinery to bed." A hard slog? Really? Juggling over-stuffed bags of groceries in your arms five blocks in the rain to get to your house when all the parking spots were full is a hard slog. But sex?

If it seems hard, you're doing it wrong. It should seem fun and exciting and maybe even challenging -- in a good way. But it should never, ever, ever feel like a "hard slog." If you think it's taking her too long, then you don't know enough about women's bodies and their orgasms.

Here's the thing, men don't have to have sex with women if they don't like it. But I've never met a woman interested in having sex with a man who is interested only in his own orgasm. So, if anything other than the guy getting off feels like a "hard slog," he can get himself a masturbation sleeve. No reciprocation required.

I have never -- I repeat never -- felt like facilitating another woman's orgasm was too much work. Never. If you do, leave her be for someone who would be happy to take up the cause.

"'In the past few decades, women have learnt that orgasms, like voting and equal pay, are their right'... This tide of female emancipation has led to a 'princess-and-the-pea syndrome' -- her "pea" gets all the attention, while everything else gets sidelined. 'The pea's demands will eclipse those of your penis, ... So stand up for your rights, man!"

Eclipse your penis? Stand up for your rights? Who are these men that these "experts" are speaking to? This is some of the ugliest, most dangerous language I've heard in terms of sex in a long time.

It's not a competition of men versus women. Her orgasm versus yours. Lesbians are certainly lucky in that respect. There is no assumption that it's penetration till one partner comes and the other is out of luck. With no assumptions, there's a lot more freedom. And as that lovely, recent study proved -- a lot more orgasms.

Forget this advice. Think like a lesbian. Trust me.

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