THE BLOG
12/05/2014 07:18 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Are You Afraid of the Fat Girl Inside of You?

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Let me preface this by saying... I hate the word fat, but negative self talk loves it.

I've had to wrestle with my inner mean girl many times over this subject. For many people who have lost a lot of weight, there is a fear that you'll gain it back. That you must contain that inner fat girl and if you give her one cookie, she may bust out and eat all the cookies and move onto everything but the kitchen sink. Cringe! She will even go out and buy more cookies. She will put you right back to your higher weight and even add some extra pounds.

You have to give her fakeout sweeties, artificial sweeteners, distract her with things and get her scared so she feels forced to exercise. At parties, you can't let her stand near the chips and dip or she'll end up licking the bottom of the bowl. She might drink too much if she feels you're containing her desires too much, that insatiable hunger she found sugar to throw at and other addictions of course.

Ways to contain her seems to work for a little while but that fear hangs on. So why not make peace with her? Why not ask her what she really wants. Ask her what she's trying to avoid feeling. Ask her if she's wrapped up her worth in her weight, her appearances, the thinner self she's become. That attachment is tricky there. The mirror lies to those who have had eating disorders or identified as the fat kid. You can be thinner and still have the fat girl mindset. You play the game of asking your spouse or significant other to tell you how you physically compare to a random woman walking down the street... like is that what I look like? Is my butt that size? Am I bigger or smaller than her? Forget following people on fitness peeps on Instagram like I do. If you compare yourself to other woman, this is dangerous. Those women rock, but so do you. There is A LOT of work that goes into them looking like that. Let's be honest here, if they haven't been pregnant, it is easier to look that way. Yes, there are women with six packs that have four or more kids, but for most people, their bodies change with children. Fighting your body shape or type is a losing battle, just work with it. Embrace you. Tell that fat girl inside you love her. And let her have one piece of chocolate for God's sake. She just wants to have fun really...and enjoy life...and be loved for being herself. Your inner critic (food tyrant-mean girl-not a healthy kind of b*tch) yells at her and then tells you...you're still fat and you'll will never be thin enough anyway CAN be silenced.

Yep, it's really true. Not that she doesn't pop up from time to time, but when she knocks on the door, you don't answer. How to get her to shut up is to not feed her. Before I worked on myself, I listened to her and believed her bullshit. I was weak to her building up my false confidence. I actually fell for her making me feel I was better than other people because I was thinner. (Ten years ago when I lost 60 pounds.) I'm not ashamed of the old me who thought that. She didn't love herself and was trying to feel better about herself, but thought it was by being better than other people. Thank God I rose above that crap and found my real truth. When I started speaking differently about myself to me and to others, things began to change.

I realized competition was always with myself only and I could drop that. I could cheer other women on and that kindness was sexy on me. As in, no amount of cute clothes, make up or anything physical... even the elusive 110 pound mark that was my gauge of thinness for me, would ever make me feel as good as feeding myself with love and being that. Sounds woo woo and out there because it is and yet, it's all energy. Everything is energy. That women I wanted to become was not a size or a look, but a feeling. When I let my true self out through writing, I had some apologizing to do to the fat girl who was called Porker from Porkertown as a kid. I'll rename her now as the Decadent girl. I'm not afraid of her anymore. I love her.

And knowing what I know now and getting on the other side of self-hate, from self-loathing to self-loving is why I'm on a mission to inspire. empower and uplift other women.

My book Sexpot With Stretch Marks which will be released January 8th is aimed at helping my sister goddesses of the world out. I want to start new conversations with our daughters, girlfriends, and especially with ourselves.

If you're struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.