10/24/2012 06:42 pm ET Updated Dec 24, 2012

Horses, Bayonets, Cannonballs, and Sharp, Pointy Rocks

"You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets, because the nature of our military's changed."
-- President Barack Obama


NARRATOR: Fewer ships. Fewer horses. And more games downloaded from the iTunes app store by our military personnel than under any previous president. Do you want a military that plays Words With Friends instead of attacking our enemies? Do we even know who these "Friends" are? Are U.S. troops playing word games with Iranian terrorists? Can we really be sure they're not? Fewer bows. And nearly 80 percent fewer arrows. But more Angry Birds than ever before. That's the Obama military. And it's dangerous.

MITT ROMNEY: I'm Mitt Romney, I own more Olympic horses than the entire U.S. armed forces, and I approved this message.


NARRATOR: According to a recent study, our Marines are wearing suits of armor that haven't been replaced in hundreds of years. Our cannons are older than they've ever been -- and Barack Obama's proposed military budget will only further decrease funding for new balls, fuses, and dusty black cannon smoke. There hasn't been a single new moat and drawbridge built during the Obama administration to help secure our nation's most valuable resources. And yet our military now has access to more high-definition cable channels than under any previous administration, and is doing more Google searches than during World War I, World War II, and The War of 1812 combined. That's not Mitt Romney's idea of an effective military, and it shouldn't be yours.

MITT ROMNEY: I'm Mitt Romney, my houses have moats filled with dragons, and I approved this message.


NARRATOR: Did you know that our military has fewer sabre-toothed tigers than at any point in history? Sabre-toothed tigers are ferocious, deadly animals that could quickly and easily kill our enemies. What does Barack Obama say? They're extinct, and they have been for the past 12,000 years. Well, under a Romney administration, we'll invest enough money in the military to bring them back -- and use them to bring our enemies to justice.

VFX: [Mitt Romney emerges from the mouth of a full, mounted sabre-toothed tiger.]

MITT ROMNEY: I'm Mitt Romney, I have no natural predators, and I approved this message.


NARRATOR: The Earth didn't need a well-funded military before there were people. Barack Obama says he wants to cut funding to our military. By the rules of ordinary logic, that means Barack Obama is planning for a day when the Earth, once again, will be free of mankind. Do you want to live on a planet that doesn't have any human beings? Mitt Romney sometimes does, but for purposes of this advertisement, he doesn't. That's why he's pledged to provide the military with more sharp, pointy rocks and Trojan horses than the past 17 Democratic presidents combined. Not only that, but he'll restore all the looms, buckets, and wheelbarrows that the Obama military budget has seen fit to cut. We'll have more rope than ever before, ensuring this nation's safety -- and the continued presence of people on the planet. Can you afford to risk the alternative?

MITT ROMNEY: I'm Mitt Romney.

VFX: [The darkness of space.]

MITT ROMNEY: I can survive the apocalypse. I own a planet.

VFX: [Zoom close on a tiny planet, in the far reaches of the galaxy. A Romney 2012 yard sign pokes out from the surface.]

MITT ROMNEY: And I approved this message.