08/28/2007 02:28 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Fun with Republicans, Part One: Role-Playing

Not to brag, but back in my college days, in the misty 7'0s, I helped subsidize my time at Columbia by penning fake sex letters for Penthouse magazine. A staple of erotic fantasies, even then, was the ever popular practice of "role playing". Which I mention now because of the new heights to which our Republican friends have recently taken it. Consider the latest practitioner, Larry "Peek-a-Boo" Craig, the gay-bashing senator from the good state of Idaho. According to testimony from UC Dave Karsnia (that's undercover cop, for you non-TV writers) the Senator peeped through the crack in the stall door, then slid his foot underneath the door and rubbed it against the side of the police officer's. Can you spell HOT! In his defense, Craig claimed he simply took a 'wide stance' while peeing, and wrote the whole thing off as a 'he said/he said' thing. Cause hey, stuff happens!

If I were penning Craig's little adventure, I might have entitled it "Toilet Peepin' Turns Me On!" And I'd have worked the whole "hide-and-seek' angle. Of course, I didn't write gay sex letters, but then -- Craig's not gay. Just ask him. Also not gay is right-living Republican Florida representative Bob Allen, victim of a recent men's room kerfuffle at a public park in Titusville, in the shadow of the nearby Space Center. Apparently, before propositioning the plainclothes policeman, Representative Bob was simply trying to A. avoid lightning or B. dodge a passel of stocky black men who wanted to rob him. (I don't know about you, but when I think I'm going to be robbed in a men's room, my first response is to find a white man and offer him $20 to get in my car and have oral sex.) Thank God, with all the crime around, places like Idaho and Florida still have the funds to pay law enforcement to keep men's room safe from Republican officials! Then again -- if I may doff my ex-Penthouse Forum hat -- it's clear that all Rep. Allen wanted to do was role play "Damsel In Distress," and find a White Knight to protect him from the twin threats of lighting and weight-challenged African American fellows. It's not easy making dreams come true.

After Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, and a Palm Springs pool party of other stalwart Republicans I'm probably forgetting, it's easy to surmise that the overriding role-playing fantasy enacted by our Republican friends is simple heterosexuality -- that these Christian Soldiers are in the lifestyle 24/7, playing "Straight Dad" and "Family Guy" to spice up the Man-on-Man Action that really make their flags wave. But, damn it, that's too easy. No, we have to leave room for men like Neal Horsley, the right wing extremist and anti-abortion devotee who famously told Alan Colmes, "When you grow up in a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

I never used mule-sex in my '70s Penthouse missives -- and notice, by God, that it was hetero mule-sex! -- but then, those were innocent times. Who could have guessed that, three decades down the road, George Bush Junior would be president, making Christian morality the cornerstone of his administration, and offering the chance for a generation of penis-craving Republican Heavies to live out their fantasies of being straight, moral and righteously indignant at the rest of us liberal degenerates.