12/06/2012 11:43 am ET Updated Feb 05, 2013

Take My Advice, Yo!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

With Venus in your 8th House of Intimacy, your judgement is off. Make sure not to rely on others to tell you when you hit your limit. Last time this happened, your friend Steve convinced you to drink from a urinal. Never listen to Steve, ever.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This week will attract a magnetic individual with Scorpio linked to the Moon's North Node. So slip that extra dollar in Destiny's g-string at GoldRush and watch the sparks fly but remember: NO HANDS!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

If you find yourself under stress at work, the best solution is to keep busy. The stars suggest buying a plant or adopting a puppy. Of course, you will spiral out of control, begin drinking whole bottles of whiskey, your plant will die, the puppy will be stolen by an angry lover and you will lose your job. Take comfort in knowing you will find happiness with your new job as a yoga instructor in the Bahamas.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Connect with a person next to you on the Art Basel Shuttle Bus. He or she might have a piece of wisdom to share that will change your life forever like "Mailboxes are actually robots eating your dreams sent to us from Mars and farts are whispers from our past." Maybe, next time you should take a taxi.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

An abundance of social activities keep your spirits high, make sure to maintain a positive attitude and things will flow your way. Or you could continue acting like a "Debbie Downer" and lock yourself in your apartment, devour 10 packages of Oreos and pretend life can be enjoyed by just observing other friends Instagram accounts. GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND LIVE!

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Mercury-Uranus sesquisquare leaves you on high alert and a little confused because sesquisquare. Seriously... what is that? With your financial situation looking better, it might be time to ask for that raise at work. Remember that saying "SHOW ME THE MONEY" did not work at your last job but reminding your new boss that you still have that photo of him groping his secretary might help.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Now that your 3rd House is in Jupiter, flexibility is important. Keep an open mind but it might be time to let go of your dream of becoming the "Bendiest Bitch in Miami"

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Resist the temptation to criticize your friends now, even if they decided to wear plaid pants with a Chihuahua print silk shirt. Setting the stage for a showdown will only force you into an awkward dance off, which you will see on YouTube and soon regret trying to bring back the "Kid n' Play."

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Jupiter is currently in Gemini and brings out a positive attitude towards relationships. Give that unexpected someone a chance even if he or she has a little vomit in their beard, hold your breath and dive in.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Energetic Mars' shifts in to remind you to have fun. Turn up the music and dance while making dinner, but make sure to wear an apron: burns are never pretty. Besides, fun doesn't always have to mean naked. Who are we kidding? Of course it means naked.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Hey! Aquarius Heeeeey! Enjoy your love life and be open to new experiences. Not all planets are into Uranus but with enough vodka anything is possible.

Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)

Be careful about making commitments, especially if money is involved. It is quite possible that the "Silver French Fox" you met this week only wants you to "escort" him to dinner but the stars point to a creepy old man snuggle fest and the whispered phrase "Hold on tight my hip is out."