10/27/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Straight Talk Meta

Things have been a little bit crazy lately, huh? Suddenly, even my president, George W. Bush, is telling me that America is going to hell in a hand basket. You may be confused. I am. You may be exhibiting signs of depression, staying out at the local bar extra late, paying for yet another can of Schlitz with your laundry money (like, um, a friend of mine). You are probably asking yourself or your pastor or the half-dead cactus on your desk a lot of questions.

You are waiting for answers. But maybe if you just shut up for once it would all become clear to you. John McCain has the only answer you need. At this very moment McCain is fixing our economy. He is fixing the economy by slowly weeding out all speech in his campaign. He and visionary Alaska Governor Sarah Palin began implementing this drastic reform earlier in the week. They started by ending all of the conversations between Sarah and the press, which could be distracting her from her mission of being on task. Then John McCain, very wisely, stopped humor dead in its tracks by refusing to speak to late-night talk show hosts. The latest news has John McCain refusing to waste precious economy-saving time by speaking at length with his opponent. Word is (from what I have gathered by studying the trends) that soon the Republican candidates will cease to utter a word to even their own families.

They don't need expressions or vocabulary, known tools of the educated liberal media, to convey important ideas to average Americans living outside of New York City. All they need is thumbs up and thumbs down. And last I heard we all speak that language. It's even better than straight talk. It's Straight Talk Meta. Now we will know exactly where they stand on anything at any given moment and in a fraction of the time it takes to have full on debate. Debate --Puhlease! McCain/Palin don't have time for debates! They have a country to run. They have to shake hands with world leaders and sign bills on tax cuts. For your protection you whiney talk-talker. So next time you see Palin walk from a building to a car you should realize she has been in there getting shit done so you don't have to worry. If you need to say something make it nice. She's been working hard in there for you. Next time ask her "Was Hamid Karzai cool?" Or tell her, "I like your jacket." Thumbs up and thumbs up! Straight from the hip.

This all reminds me of a very simple story Sarah Palin told me once about a prisoner at the Hanoi Hilton named Joe or Moe or something. The point is, this guy would look though a keyhole and watch John McCain being led by the guards to the interrogation chamber day after day. And on his way back to his cell, my presidential candidate would give old Moey a thumbs up because it was Gonna Be All Right. And do you think that when John McCain got into that interrogation chamber he talked, blabbed America's secrets? No he did not! And did that hurt anything? No! Do I want a President who can keep his trap shut? Why, yes I do! He made it out of that prison and married a more beautiful woman than he was with before and purchased many nice cars. And I ask you this. Do I need to watch my candidate -- who is an American hero -- go get interrogated on Friday by the media elites and Barack Obama? No. I do not. All I need is his heroic thumb pointing upward from Washington. That will tell me all I need to know.