Funny tweets: So short, so perfect. Funny tweets about parenting? Even better!
We know HuffPost Parents is THE place to find the funniest parenting tweets each week. Some of those gems leave us shouting Yes! Exactly! And some leave us asking the question that all parents ask, What the hell?
What sparks the tweets that make us laugh out loud? We just had to find out. So, we asked 10 of the contributors to The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets to share the back story to one of their favorite tweets. As expected, they did not disappoint.
@MaryWiddicks: My 1-year-old has a new hobby: Naked climbing. He proudly strips off his clothes and diaper, then scales whatever piece of furniture strikes his fancy. The other morning I found him precariously balanced with one foot on a chair and one on the bookshelf. We made eye contact from across the room: Me with a look of horror and forbidding, and him with a mischievous grin. Before I could pluck him from his perch, he grabbed hold of the bookshelf and peed full-force, like one of those cherub statues in a fountain.
Phrase I never thought I'd have to say: "No, honey! We don't pee on books." #EveryWritersNightmare
— OutmannedMommy (@MaryWiddicks) April 21, 2015
@CrazyExhaustion: I dragged my sorry self out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen, a solid three hours of sleep in the books (thank you, children). Fruit and cereal thrown together for the kids' breakfast, and I set out to find some toothpicks I could use to prop my eyes open. In the midst of my quest to stay awake and be the responsible adult, dammit, I swiped my hand across the counter to dispose of some dried fruit that had fallen overboard during my gourmet breakfast preparations. Without thinking -- or looking -- I popped them into my mouth and went about my business. As they suddenly crunched under my teeth, I realized that I couldn't recall any fruit in our house that should be crunchy...
There are days that start with a beautiful sunrise, and then there are days that start with mistaking a dead fly for a raisin.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) June 12, 2014
@tchrquotes: My 6yo went to a birthday party and just kept eating. Cake, candy, fruit, pizza and punch. I was a little concerned, but he (unlike his older brother) had never really had a problem with overeating to the point of making himself sick. I decided to back off and let him enjoy himself. As bedtime approached, things were looking good. It wasn't until about 3 a.m. that I realized I'd made a horrible mistake.
My 6yo snuck into my bed last night & proceeded to puke puddles of vomit all over my back if you're still on the fence about having kids.
— tchrquotes (@tchrquotes) February 3, 2015
@LindaInDisguise: If you only saw the front seat of my car, you'd probably assume I was a decent human being. The minute you look behind -- NO! DON'T LOOK! -- You saw it, didn't you? The back seat is a pigsty. I tackle it every now and then but not often enough. Jackets and water bottles and toys and... petrified fast food? Oh, grosssssss. Damn kids.
The anti-theft system on my car is just French-fries and crayons.
— Just Linda (@LindaInDisguise) October 21, 2013
@PJTLynch: I was sitting on the couch, zoning out a bit on my phone, while our 9-month-old baby played on the floor. As babies will do, he was going from toy to toy, picking each one up and at some point putting his mouth on it. I wasn't paying close attention, but when you have a baby you're always at a certain state of alert, so I perked up when out of the corner of my eye I saw him pick up some gnarled black thing off the floor. From where I was it looked like it could have been an old French fry or a chewed-up pen cap. Whatever it was, he picked it up and gave it a look of utter disgust, as if to say, "I can't believe this thing even exists." Then, with what I swear was an "Oh well," shrug, he popped it in his mouth.
"Very colorful, fun. I'd put it in my mouth" "A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I'd put it in my mouth" -Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) January 7, 2015
@TheBeardedIris: I'm currently shopping for a sandblaster to remove the fossilized boy urine from the wainscoting of my powder room. Is he impersonating a fire hose in there? What. The. Hell?
"I'm just not that into you," said my 7- year-old son's urine to every toilet.
— Leslie Marinelli (@TheBeardedIris) July 26, 2014
@FatherWithTwins: I know the sound is coming. No matter how many controls and countermeasures I put into place, its coming. No matter how many warnings I give my children, it's coming. I can spend all night with them, but if I leave the room for 30 seconds to use the bathroom or start the bath--CRASH!--over goes the toy box.
At that point, I'm faced with two options: 1) Force them to clean it up, which will take about three hours, or 2) Clean it up myself. I usually choose option two and have a relaxing evening of stepping on the small pieces I missed or pulling them out of the dog's mouth.
I wish I loved anything as much as my kids love getting out EVERY TOY THEY OWN 5 minutes before bedtime.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) November 15, 2013
@TheAlexNevil: What's surprising is that something with a relatively few parts should be this much of a problem. A should attach to B. A SHOULD #%*£!@-ING ATTACH TO B!! A rubber mallet shouldn't be required to convince A and B they'd make a really great couple. The joy one expects to get from putting a child's gift together is replaced by unintelligible rantings of a deranged lunatic. It's during this time there's a realization: either I will break this beast or it will break me.
No one can truly know the rage inside of a man until he is asked to put together a toddler's bicycle.
— La Vie En Meh (@TheAlexNevil) October 26, 2014
@qwertygirl: I volunteered to help organize an event at the school. The woman who ran the committee missed four of the first five meetings without notifying us, insisted that we use her friends and relatives as vendors, and accused the PTO president (not me) of micro-managing everyone when she finally attended a meeting and took some notes on her iPad. The committee head didn't understand why I dropped off the committee, and sent me an email, cc'ing every other committee member, asking me to justify myself. She was shocked when I refused to reply.
Hours Spent Volunteering: 2 Hours Spend Defending My Actions and Dealing with Volunteering Drama Caused by Others: 3,479
— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) April 16, 2015
@maughammom: The habit of kissing my kids' boo-boos has backfired on me more than once. I probably should've stopped after the first time my son made me kiss a scrape on his stinky foot. But when my sweet daughter came at me with a distressed look on her face and her finger in the air, my mom-instincts took over and I kissed it. She looked so confused ...
2yo held out her finger so I kissed it, expecting a 'boo boo'. "Mom, why did you kiss my booger?" Lesson learned.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 4, 2013