11/04/2013 11:18 am ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Patriots Rack Up 610 Yards in 55-31 Rout of Hilariously Inept Steelers

WOW. Could the Pittsburgh Steelers possibly get more atrocious? I kind of don't want to think about it. Staring down the rest of the season boasting a stellar 2-6 record, it's going to take a miracle to come out of all of this with an 8-8. And that is of course something all Steelers fans should feel pretty terrible about. We've officially become one of the worst teams in the league.

Granted, the New England Patriots, currently 7-2, were the definite favorites, but I don't know if anyone could have predicted the 55-point ass whooping they gave the Steelers on Sunday. There is nothing worse to start your week than the memory of Tom Brady's smug, smiling face on the sideline. This is what I get for all my Tom Brady dressed as the Cowardly Lion for Halloween because he's so afraid to get hit jokes. This is what I get.

Their offense just tore the Steelers' defense to shreds. And that is putting it lightly. Brady threw for a season-high 432 yards and 4 touchdowns, going 23 of 33. Rob Gronkowski (who actually graduated from Woodland Hills High School in Pittsburgh) also had nine receptions, a career high. Their offense was able to rack up 610 yards (!!!!!). I think my grandmother drunk off vodka chasing this offense around with a broom would have been able to stop them more than our extremely horrific defense.

Brady had some huge plays. He threw a 57-yard pass to Danny Amendola, which set up a field goal, giving the Pats a 17-3 lead. He also had a ridiculous 81-yard TD pass to Aaron Dobson (that was the longest play of the season for the Pats) toward the end of the game. Stevan Ridley ran for 115 yards and 2 TDs. Three of the Pats had more than 100 yards receiving: Gronkowski had 143, Dobson got 130, and Amendola with 122. What. I just can't. The Patriots were also able to score on their last four possessions for the first half, gaining a 24-10 lead. Of note: The Steelers have been outscored in the first quarter this season, if you can believe it, 61-19. The. Hell?? Dick LeBeau ... what is happening?!?!

Those 55 points by the Patriots were the most EVER given up by the Steelers.

The Patriots were also quick to cause turnovers. Because why not. After electing to receive at the beginning of the game, on third-and-short inside New England territory, Roethlisberger was stripped of the ball, which was recovered by Joe Vellano. After a solid goal line stop on fourth down (tiny highlight of the Steelers once proud D), even though Polamalu was called for a false start, Roethlisberger turned the ball over again by throwing a wobbly interception, caught by Devin McCourty, and one play later, the Patriots were able to score. Amendola may as well have crawled on his hands and knees into the endzone; he ran in completely untouched.

However, the Steelers were able to tie it up (I know, hard to imagine this game ever being tied except when it was 0-0 at the beginning) when Ben Roethlisberger threw two TD passes to Jerricho Cotchery during the third quarter. Troy Polamalu had stripped Steven Ridley of the ball, which LaMarr Woodley recovered, to set up that first TD pass. (But keep in mind it was the second Steelers fumble recovery of the ENTIRE DAMN SEASON.) Things were turnin' around! Lord knows how many "Tied up, bitches!!" text messages I sent to family and friends. Then of course that all blew up in my face as the Steelers completely let their guards down and pretended like the game was over at that point.

To break the tie, Stephen Gostkowski kicked a 32-yard field goal late in the third quarter. Then a 43-yard punt return by Julian Edelman was able to set up Brady to throw a 17-yard TD pass to Dobson. Then there was Ridley's 5-yard run for a TD as well as Dobson's 81-yard TD pass and I had stopped paying attention and focused on drinking WELL before then. Roethlisberger also threw an interception at the end of the game as well and at that point it just got really, really funny.

There was one record-breaking statistic that most Steelers fans probably won't care about after this loss: Roethlisberger threw to Antonio Brown for a 27-yard touchdown, which was his 200th touchdown pass. Yay? He ended the day going 28 of 48 for 400 yards, four TDs, and two interceptions. Gotta love a 400-yard, 4-TD day that still ended in a 24-point loss and broke records left and right, none of which were in the Steelers favor ... well, I guess except this one. In case you wanted to know, Le'Veon Bell ran 16 times for 74 yards, not a bad day, while Jonathan Dwyer had one lovely carry for 30 yards. The Steelers managed to get 479 yards on offense -- yet the defense giving up 55 points really says it all.

Come on, Boston, you won the World Series, after it took Pittsburgh 20+ years to just make the playoffs, what more do you want?!

Kidding. Sort of.

The Steelers would pretty much have to win 7 of its final 8 games to have any shot at the playoffs, and the way this team is playing, hahahaha. This will most likely be Mike Tomlin's first losing season as head coach for the Steelers, and the question is: What do we do now? Do we focus more on the young guys and pretty much give up on trying to save this season? There have been some devastating injuries, but that's still no excuse for how badly this team has collectively been able to lose.

None of their problems are quick fixes by any means. The Steelers will head back home to take on the Buffalo Bills, and regardless of what happens, it's still going to be an extremely long second half of the 2013 season. At least the Pittsburgh Penguins are 11-4-0? At least the Pirates finally made it to October? What the hell else am I supposed to say at this point? I'm going to take a long, hot shower and watch videos of ridiculously cute pandas for the rest of the day. Until next week, Steelers fans, and let's hope we're all sober enough to read by that point!