04/15/2013 10:17 am ET

The Murtaugh List: 28 Things A 28-Year-Old Woman Can No Longer Do

A few years ago, "How I Met Your Mother" aired an episode called "Murtaugh," in which one of the main characters, Ted, lists things he's too old to do anymore. With my birthday just around the corner, I got to thinking about growing up and what's expected of you at a certain age. With that in mind, I decided to make my own Murtaugh list. Some of these things I have done, some I have probably always felt too old to do, and some I have simply missed my window for.
Any way you slice it, I'm too old for this stuff.

Here are 28 things I can no longer do now that I am 28.

1. Wear really short booty shorts outside of my house;
2. Be able to say yes to every invite to every single party, wedding, Bar-mitzvah, girl's night and house-warming party;
3. Wear ironic T-Shirts;
4. Let someone talk me into doing something I really don't want to do;
5. Go to a frat party;
6. Not ask for help when I need it;
7. Get trashed at a wedding;
8. Have more than one roommate;
9. Have a futon for a bed;
10. Rely solely on take-out;
11. Funnel beer;
12. Look the other way when I think I'm being lied to;
13. Get into a public screaming match with one of my friends;
14. Pull an all-nighter and be able to survive work the next day;
15. Pretend to be something I'm not;
16. Have unframed posters on my wall, (as originally stated by one Theodore Mosby);
17. Have an answering machine message that is not my voice, but music playing instead;
18. Skip going to the dentist;
19. Say the phrases "weak sauce"; "nah, bro"; "epic fail"; or "sick" (as an adjective);
20. Drink wine out of a red plastic cup;
21. Go to a Selena Gomez, One Direction or Avril Lavigne concert (even if I was a big fan of the latter's when I was younger -- I don't care if you're judging me);
22. Sleep until noon, regularly;
23. Own a lava lamp, an Animal House poster, or anything that glows in the dark;
24. Keep thinking someone toxic will "change";
25. Use tanning oil;
26. Have a picture of myself laughing with a bottle of booze in my hand as my Facebook picture;
27. Eat fast food past 8 o'clock;
28. Be afraid to say "I Love You."