06/18/2015 02:44 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

How to Leave Your Child for Vacation in 10 Easy Steps


1. Plan your trip far enough in advance so that it's nothing more than a faint light in the distance. Put it on the backburner of your thoughts. Passive aggressive is the only way to go.

2. Enlist either your mother or mother-in-law to stay with the baby. Without a doubt, babysitters are not acceptable. The only adequate substitute for you is obviously the woman who raised you or the woman who raised your husband. No exceptions.

3. As the date approaches, frantically look into changing your flights to leave later and return sooner. Three. Whole. Days. Is way too long to be away from the baby. Hell, the Earth was created in seven days, and that's practically the same as three days. A lot can happen in three days. A lot.

4. Realize that it's impossible to change your flight. Start researching child psychologists who specialize in two and a half year-olds who were scarred for life because their parents left them for three days. It's totally a thing.

5. The night before you leave, prep meals and clothing for the full time you will leave the baby for. Clearly, your mother isn't capable, as you have been naked and starving for the last 30 or so years. Clearly.

6. Make sure the wifi monitor is in working order. Watching your baby sleeping is absolutely, positively necessary. Don't sleep until she sleeps. Duh.

7. Cry uncontrollably as you say goodbye. The passengers on your flight only wish they had a crying infant to deal with, as opposed to a crying mother leaving her baby.

8. Take the first uninterrupted nap you've had in almost three years. It's easy to see how babies sleep so peacefully in moving vehicles. Is this what fully rested feels like?

9. Exit the plane with the swagger of your childless days. No responsibilities, no problem! Laugh at the family struggling with unfolding the stroller. Sucks to be them!

10. Grab your luggage, arrive at hotel, and fall onto the bed ALONE. Now this, this is something you could get used to!