08/31/2009 01:57 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

California Prison-(Clearing) Questionnaire

"A panel of federal judges ordered the California prison system on Tuesday to reduce its inmate population of 150,000 by 40,000 -- roughly 27 percent -- within two years" - The New York Times

Please distribute the following questionnaire to all inmates on your row. Make sure to keep track of all pens given out, and only ask for them to be tossed back from a safe distance.

1.) What are you here for? (don't lie - we will check this against your records, and moreover, breaking the honor code will be grounds for immediate continuance of the rest of your prison term)

2.) Do you feel sorry about what you did? Briefly, in the space below, describe exactly how sorry you feel. Feel free to add details about how much you've changed from the wo/man you were then.

3.) Is this your first time in prison? If yes, has it scared you straight? If no, what were you in for before? Has being caught and punished again managed to scare you straight this time?

4.) Please circle all that apply. Since entering prison I have found:

a.) God
b.) considerable prowess in makeshift weaponry
c.) my true sexuality
d.) my long-lost parent
e.) exactly where, on a wall, a sharp tap from a knuckle can destroy structural soundness
f.) out why I'll never commit a crime again
g.) that I am lactose intolerant

5.) You're in a burning building with an innocent child, a litter of puppies, $3 million in cash, and a scientist days away from discovering a cure for cancer, but who is paralyzed from the waist down, and thus unable to take the stairs.

a.)You only have time to get one of the people/items out with you; who/what do you save?

b.) If, once you've managed to get the money stashed somewhere safe, there was time to go back in again, who would you save then?

c.) Who started the fire?

6.) Circle the three things below that you feel will help you most if and when you are released:

a.) the education I attained during my prison term
b.) cash
c.) lots of tattoos, very, very scary tattoos
d.) my true sexuality
e.) a recommendation from the warden for a good, honest job
f.) your cell-mate's cousin, Bobo
g.) your cell-mate's cousin Bobo's supply
h.) cash
i.) detailed schematics of bank entrances, security measures, and the materials used in their construction
j.) God
k.) being able to make your voice heard through the electoral process
l.) a toothbrush shiv

7.) If a Law & Order episode were to be made about your crime, who would play you?

a.) Gary Busey
b.) "Gang member 2" or "Thug 1" - one of the less interesting criminals on the way to the big "aha!" moment
c.) Paul Reubens
d.) A member of the cast of High School Musical
e.) Ving Rhames, like Pulp Fiction Ving Rhames.

8.) If and when you are released, the first thing you plan to do is:

a.) get down on your knees and thank the lord
b.) call your mom/spouse and say how much you love her or him
c.) find that rat bastard who narced on you and finish the damn job

9.) If we let you out, would you promise not to do it again? Would you be willing to pinky swear to that?