04/29/2011 04:05 pm ET Updated Jun 29, 2011

Incredibly Hostile Children's Games

Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes

Okay, head, shoul-hey, buddy, my face is up here. You know, the part with the eyes and ears and mouth and nose?

And if you keep looking at them that way, I promise that you will not like the place I find to put my knee.


"Make sure you get it inside the right square?" This is how you've built a nation of middle-managers.

Simon Says

Simon says hop on one foot.

Simon says pat your head.

Simon says touch your nose. Wait, I'm sorry, did you hear Simon tell you to stop hopping? Or patting? God, what a pathetic showing -- you're out, and when I say that, I mean leave the room, I can't stand to look at you anymore.

The rest of you -- Simon says you look ridiculous. Jesus, just look at yourselves. It's embarrassing.


"You're it?" We'll just see who's "it" once I file this report for aggravated assault against you. Try convincing any jury it was all in fun when they hear you said that to me after the attack -- that's seriously sociopathic.


Okay, everyone sit in a circle. I'm going to whisper something into your ear, and then you whisper it to the person on the other side of you, and then she whispers it to the person next to her, and so on, and so on, until it gets all the way around the circle. Then we see just how hilariously things have gotten mixed up on the way!

Alright, ready? Here we go: "your mommy loves your siblings much, much better than you."


You know what, how about instead of just slapping hands, you sing this in time to the slapping of a jump rope against the floor. It looks to me like you've been getting into the "patty-cakes" a little too regularly lately, if you know what I'm saying.

Cops and Robbers

Wait, I have to be the robber? Is this just some thinly-veiled reference to what you view as our relative socio-economic statuses? When you look at me, is all you see "potential threat?" Because that's seriously messed up.

How about we just be honest, let's rename it "white collar professionals and their domestic help." Or maybe "vacation-home owners and the people they condescend to in the 'quaint' shops they visit while on vacation." Or "commuters and train-car panhandlers."

Oh, sure, now you're saying I should be the cop - that is just the worst kind of tokenism. Just forget it, alright? Probably pretty easy for you to do when it involves one of "my kind," huh?

Duck, Duck, Goose

Honestly, I can't find a single one of you worth singling out for any reason. They should rename this game "sheep, sheep, sheep." Because that's what all of you are.