12/08/2010 12:54 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Just Don't Ask

Sure, we could repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell," but in an effort at bi-partisanship, the many still-hesitant members of Congress have offered these other, less-scary options:

It's Okay, I Can Tell Already:
Any parent knows that there's no relief greater than when you're about to embark on one of "the hard talks," only to be pre-empted by a listener who already knows what you're going to say, obviating the need for a mutually-embarrassing situation.

With this option, we would encourage all personnel to give a reassuring shoulder squeeze and significant "it's okay, I already know," to any fellow serviceman or servicewoman about to disclose an unnecessarily awkward, and likely pretty obvious, state of affairs.

In order to ensure total elimination of awkwardness, military personnel are advised to preemptively strike with the reassuring shoulder squeeze, or RSS tactic, on anyone "gay-seeming."

Don't Tell So Loud, I'm Sleeping: With this option, soldiers will only face disciplinary action if they reveal their sexual orientation in a voice louder than a whisper. All revelations at a volume low enough that the listener could reasonably claim that he or she "didn't hear what you said" will be considered "untold" for disciplinary purposes.

Stage whispers may also be deemed acceptable, but only when used in "aside" format.

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me...: How about we just assume that if you're below a certain rank, and you're listening to above a certain amount of NPR in your limited spare time, that you're probably gay? Either way, the majority of troops are gonna want to bunk at a certain remove from you, especially when Paula Poundstone's going off on a rant about her cats, so for all intents and purposes, it's as serviceable a definition as any.

Regardless, it will result in disciplinary action.

Sneeze or Cough, Don't Yell: You know how in all those bro movies, people will sneeze or cough a word really obviously when it's awkward for them to say it outright? Like they'll be all "Ach-ASSHOLE" at a meeting with the attorney for the jerks. Or maybe they're at a family dinner, and Aunt Edna is droning on and on and on and they'll be like "Cough cough BORING cough cough. Oh, wow, I must really have a frog in my throat. Cough cough KILL ME cough cough. Real tickle there, just can't seem to get rid of it."

What if during drills you were like "ah-ah-AH'M GAY-CHOO!!" ? That would get your point across to everybody who's "with it."

Don't Ask, Just Dance:
This weekly disco extravaganza will give all military personnel a chance to let their true colors - and rippling, possibly oiled abs - shine.

Assuming their true colors can be found in the heavily-sequinned supply of super-fabulous outfits we'll be providing each squadron, that is! Gaga would LOVE this!

I mean, hell-O, girlfriend, you don't even need to ask after seeing the way so-and-so was dressed for the party, and who he danced with. It's so telling, why not just announce it over the loudspeaker, you know?

"Announcing it over the loudspeaker" will still be considered sufficient reason for discharge.