12/02/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Let Me See You Work Them Eggs

"British couples who travel abroad for IVF treatment and buy other women's eggs are engaging in a form of prostitution, a fertility conference was told yesterday." - The (London) Times

Ladies, gather round. I wanna talk to you all about how you been doin' lately, and about what's comin' up, okay?

First off, I got a couple looking for a blonde -- natural blonde, Kim, so stop fidgeting, you ain't takin' this trick -- who attended an Ivy-level university and who is over 5'8" tall. Gina, you got this? Alright - hustle them good, coz you can smell the money comin' off 'em. They smell foul with cash, okay? You don't bring me home at least ten-thou off this deal and you will know I mean what I say, okay bitch? I'll have Billy drive you over around 8, then.

Next up, Laurie, we gotta talk. What's this I hear about your daddy goin' on dialysis? It don't matter who told me, bitch, I wanna hear it from your ho mouth -- is it true? I said IS IT TRUE?

Bitch, I told you not to lie to me about your family's history of kidney disease! [SLAP] Goddammit why you gotta play me that way? Probably have a history of cardiac incidents at a young age, too, huh? [SLAP] You think I believe you now? Am I gonna have to find out about your heart health myself with an improvised treadmill stress test, bitch? Oh, you cryin'? You cryin' now? Who's gonna be cryin' when that baby has weak kidneys and a propensity for high cholesterol, bitch? Get outta my goddammed sight, and if I even see you near a high-potassium diet, you better believe there will be more where that came from.

Alright, Yasmin, I need you to head out with Billy to a family over in Shady Acres. Naw, don't worry about bringing along your volumes of Proust, all they care about is that their baby is Asian. You still Asian? Alright, you're set then, go make them pay for those eggs, girl. Oh, and make sure you get them to sign a medical liability form before you agree to anything - I ain't losing another girl's fallopian tubes for free.

Mysteeq, what's going on with you lately, girl? I know you're studyin' for your MBA an' all, but you cannot be withholdin' from me - I am the motherf***in' CEO of this motherf***in' operation, you hear? That's right, I know about your stock portfolio, and the money market accounts. What, you think I'm stupid? [SLAP]

Aw, baby, don't cry -- you still got them blue eyes with pale skin and dark hair, and that willowy build that appeals to our upper-middle-class buyers, combined with a Harvard-Harvard education background, so you still my bottom bitch. But don't try to pull that shit with me again, otherwise BAM. Gina will be takin' your place so fast you won't even be able to plot the relevant demand curve, hear me? Alright.

Alright, before you ladies head out for the night Rita, for Christ's sake, lay off the pie. Damn, girl, you are lookin' way too fat. You gotta lose some weight ASAP or you're on your own again. Try getting a respectable family who's gonna pay for missed days of work as well as any unforeseen expenses without me around. I am heart-attack serious, bitch. You think any family gonna look twice at some heifer whose very physical appearance indicates a strong predisposition towards obesity? Who wants that shit for their kid? Don't tell me you're sorry, tell the Twinkies you're sorry, bitch, cause they ain't gonna be seein' you no more. Shit, don't make me put you on a strict calorie-restriction regimen!

OK, OK, ladies, you know I only do it because I care about you. So go get out there and start caring about the sorry state of middle-aged wombs...otherwise I'll be showin' my love with the back of my hand, you hear? Alright, then.