06/21/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Letter from the Vatican

"VATICAN CITY (AP) -- The Vatican...made clear for the first time that bishops and other church officials should report clerical sex abuse to police if required by law." - The New York Times

To our Brothers in Christ,

As many of you may already know, we have recently clarified a church doctrine so as to make it explicit that our policy on sex abuse is one of compliance with all local laws and law enforcement officials.

We are also officially changing by-laws to reflect that we do not, in fact, support abuse, sexual or otherwise, by members of the clergy.

You'll notice we're not saying we support eradicating abuse, per se, just that we're not pro. No one's going to start sneaking around private confessional booths, or break in on some special one-on-one, or four-on-one, tutoring, but for form's sake, we really have to throw the laity a papal decree on this one. Rest assured that, as always, the Vatican's number one priority is keeping its holy house pure and free.

From narcs. Seriously, even Jesus can't tolerate the sound of squealing.

We realize that this clarification of our stance on the issue of possible church abuse will affect many of you, both directly and indirectly. May we suggest some options to help you get through this transitional period?

The church is still firm in its stance against contraception in any form, but nowhere in any of our literature are we able to find anything specifically relating to Rohypnol and the remarkable retrograde amnesia it produces in those who have been dosed with it. Nothing about that one whatsoever.

Let it be known on earth and in heaven that we only bring that up because maybe those of our priests struggling against temptation might find it helps them to forget their own troubles for a short period of time.

Priests affected by recent scandals might also find relief through missionary work, a calling whose physical demands equal and exceed the mental, thus driving away impure thoughts almost of necessity.

Places where your gift of Christ will be most needed, often coincidentally, tend to be the very same places that are extraordinarily lax in what they "require by law" as far as reporting of incidents.

It has long been Vatican policy to encourage our brothers to render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and leave the God to us. Our laws are only meant to apply to the souls of man, not the intricacies of what may or may not be a crime once you cross a certain border.

See what we did there? With just that one little "if required?" We thought you'd appreciate that.

Eventually, we trust in God that everything should pretty much blow over, and we can go back to the ways we have long known, and that some amongst us have quite literally loved.

We said it was a transition period, not a complete transfiguration. We're Catholics, after all - let's leave that to the "flesh" and "blood," eh?

Yours in Christ,

The Vatican