06/03/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

QUIZ: What to get Mom? Just think of...YOU!

Mother's day is just around the corner, and if you want to still be on speaking terms with the woman who gave up her youth, figure, and probably most of her goals for you, you should get going on that trip to the card aisle of your local convenience store and a "spring blooms" bouquet from whichever flower service pops up first in the sidebar of your favorite news/e-mail/watching-Lindsay-Lohan-slowly-disintegrate website.

But whoever said that gift giving has to be about the personality and individualism of the receiver? This is America. Gift-giving is about you. And with this handy quiz, you'll know how best to let mom know exactly who she ought to be thankful for.

What's your favorite memory of your mom?
a.) her yumm-o chocolate chip cookies! No one makes 'em like mom!
b.) the time that she paid your bail for underage DUI-ing in the middle of the night, snuck you home, made sure you didn't puke the bed, washed your sheets when you did, and never even told dad that you'd missed curfew!
c.) The way she perfectly regulated the temperature of her amniotic fluid
d.) Most of your memories of your mom are like a Stephen King movie that's had huge sections sliced out at random in the middle of any given scene. So that one time you came home wearing pig blood, probably. You and mom had a real laugh about that, and about your 'dirty pillows,' at least if you remember's all a little blurry...

Today, you do a lot of work...
a.) In an office. Sometimes you even have to come in Saturdays. You're in the HR department, but you think there might be a promotion around the bend if you start reading up on the seven habits of highly effective people...
b.) In your old room in mom's basement, but just until this great website idea you have takes off - it's like a cross between Amazon and Gawker, but with a touch of the LOL catz thrown in. You'll get it up and running soon, it's just that your friend knows a guy who has a cousin who works in a gallery, so you want to focus on your art, too. And anyway, you pay her stock options on your future gang-busters website, of course!
c.) On applesauce. Tomorrow, solid poos in your diapie.
d.) In the garden. It's growing so nicely since you...fertilized it, last spring.

When you were a kid, your mom did just the nicest thing and finally let you get the pet you always wanted, a...
a.) Dog! Something dependable and friendly and genially generic like a retriever or a lab, and which you had to promise to walk every day!
b.) Reptile. And when you got bored of it and let the cage grow over with mold and mildew she cleaned it and found it a new home. And when you decided you wanted a hamster, she got that too, and dug it out of the wall a few weeks after you left its cage open. And when you decided you wanted to let all animals be free, man, she got you a pair of hemp sandals and tofu. And when...
c.) You really think she'd let so many allergens into the house? Your immune system isn't even close to developed, yet!
d.) Animals don't have souls and are easy vessels for the devil. That is why she made you slaughter your own chicken for Tuesday dinners, so you'd both appreciate where food comes from and so, someday, you'd be ready to fight on the right side.

In college, you joined a(n)...
a.) Fraternity/sorority. The same one your mom/dad joined back in the day!
b.) Commune. It was sort of an off-campus activity...
c.) Egg, and started dividing. Which is why mom and dad are together today!
d.) Prayer group. But it didn't make the voices stop...

When you brought home your current or most-recent boy/girlfriend to meet the parents, your mom...
a.) just LOVED him/her! Though she can't help it, she'll never think anyone's quite good enough for her baby!
b.) Found it difficult not to stare at that one piercing...
c.) Judging by the color of his/her onesie, mistook him/her for the opposite gender
d.) Loudly proclaimed that she doesn't agree with your sexuality, and anyway, you're too young to be whoring it up the way you do! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! STOP POLLUTING MY AIR, HEATHENS!

You love your mom, but sometimes you just wish she'd understand...
a.) How hard it is to have to split holidays between her house and your significant other's parents'. It doesn't mean you love her any less!
b.) That true creativity is expressed in many ways, including sleep; after all, 'Purple Haze' came to Jimi Hendrix in a dream.
c.) That you can hear voices in a normal adult register.
d.) That you don't want her in your head anymore! You took care of that, dammit! GET OUT!

If you answered mostly a's:
you are totally uncreative, but don't blame yourself; that's just the way mom raised you! 'Express' your made-for-ABC version of 'love' for your mother with a lightly-humorous-but-safe-for-the-Hallmark-set Shoebox card, a bouquet of flowers (I know - tulips! Or, ooooh! An edible arrangement! So different!) and brunch at a mid-level establishment that will be sure to give mom a flower with her meal, because it's just classy like that. If you're doing really well for yourself lately, order her a bottle of champagne, but just the one, and nothing too pricey. You wouldn't want to go overboard like that; it would just embarrass everyone.

If you answered mostly b's: you're that hippie/alternative/artsy kid (let me guess - middle or youngest child?) that mom may have loved best, but from whom she expects the least. No need to surpass expectations now! Make something out of macaroni noodles and yarn and say it's a new direction you're taking in your work/it's because you can't support corporate America's continued denuding of the environment/you really love her, but until you find a publisher/agent/gallery show/apartment, things are a little tight. Graciously accept the $20-$100 she'll slip your way after you manage to be in the bathroom/not have cash when your older sibling gets the bill at the restaurant. S/he knows you're good for it, right?

If you answered mostly c's: you are an infant. Good job taking a quiz! Who took a good quiz? Who's my little quiz-taker? Yes you are! Yes, you are! Let Dad make a last-minute trip to Zales, or your local equivalent in jewelry thoughtlessness/tackiness, and spend no more than $149 after rebate on a totally unique pair of diamond studs, or maybe, if he's feeling really happy about that last casserole, the necklace with the asymmetrical heart, in diamond-dust, dangling from the end of a 14K 'gold' chain!

If you answered mostly d's: Give yourself a treat this mother's day and rebury her body in a location that's not tied to you. Think hard - it should be a place that you've never been, where you know no one, and which preferably has either strong-currented rivers or deep wood-cover. Your legal counsel will eventually be glad you did.