16 Truths I Learned (and Water-birthed) From HBO's GIRLSATHON This Weekend:
1. Every girl should marry a guy who thinks her nose cartilage can't be f-ing real because it is too exquisite.
2. Men who seem uninterested and send dick pics meant for another girl may turn around if they're chased like the Beatles for six months and commit 100 percent.
3. A new crack spirit guide can become a de-virginizing sex guide. A totally non-sexual massage is great foreplay and vibrating at a strange frequency is an aphrodisiac.
4. A HPV-carrier gay ex-boyfriend is a better roommate than a 'wound.'
5. Matching his and hers onsies pjs do not guarantee a lasting relationship.
6. Bathroom sex at a wedding with an ex is a bad idea. Better to hit it with a Seth Rogen-Jonah Hill look-alike instead.
7. A near affair with your boss' husband may not stop your boss from trying to hire you again, though she may want to cut you up and eat you. (Even before the zombie face chomping trend).
8. A great TV series should pay homage to its predecessors, whether it be through pet name similarities ("kid" from Big to Carrie and Adam to Hannah), a book signing party, shoes matching a dress (kind of) or a dead Carrie character.
9. Stats say the minority is becoming the majority, but tribes still exist and people spend time with friends from the same background with whom they studied non-preprofessional majors like creative writing and art history at small liberal arts schools, even in the diverse city of Greenpoint.
10. Life is about becoming who we are. Holding on to toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing. Time is a rubber band.
11. Being 11 pounds overweight is not a struggle. But being 13 might be.
12. The Michelle Bachman HPV-vaccine controversy may have convinced some girls under 30 to skip getting vaccinated.
13. Having an alive boyfriend makes up for not having an agent.
14. It is possible to be even better at slow dancing than fast dancing.
15. Ironic t-shirts can be unironic.
16. We will wait all season for an elusive dessert (Twix not twigs, cake with the parents, love) and learn that maybe the sweetness we thought we wanted wasn't what we wanted after all.
And now, on to the Newsroom.