My Super Sweet 16 was cancelled in 2008 after eight glorious seasons, but thanks to MTV marathons, it lives on. Before the Jersey Shore and Teen Mom phenomena, even before "the 1 percent" became a catchphrase, it showcased the daughters of that 1 percent, or the 1 percent of over-the-toppedness. My party favor from a My Super Sweet 16 marathon was 16 lessons:
- A huge party with theme, decorations and refreshments is required to distribute invites for the real Super Sweet 16 party.
- Sweet 16s are designed to show the world that the Lopez's or Carters or Audigiers or Reyes' can throw a great party. As if there was ever any doubt.
- Mercedes and BMWs are acceptable Super Sweet 16 presents. A souped-up Lincoln might be acceptable on Pimp My Ride, but not at My Super Sweet 16. A souped-up Lincoln will result in well-deserved "I Hate YOU!" screamed at parents.
- Giving a mock "bad" car as a gift and blaming the "bad" parent is fair play among divorced parents. Then a Mercedes or BMW with a bow must magically appear from the "good" parent.
- It's crucial to have a lot of shrilling, screaming teenagers willing to appear on video and say, "This is the best party I've ever been to!"
- Hair/make-up prep should clock in just under five hours.
- Super Sweet 16 parties require more dress changes than Oscar hosting.
- If you don't have the hottest Sweet 16 ever, your entire life will suck. In the nursing room at age 95, people will shun you for your lame Sweet 16.
- Good parenting is meeting all your daughter's Sweet 16 desires while simultaneously subtly mocking her.
- Boyfriends are irrelevant at Super Sweet 16s.
- You may get married two or three times, but you only have one Super Sweet 16.
- Someone famous must appear at a Super Sweet 16. Extra bonus points if they bring someone even more famous.
- The theme is very important at a Super Sweet 16. "Hey, I'm 16, let's celebrate" is not an acceptable theme.
- A Super Sweet 16 either makes the VMA's look like an afternoon tea party or is not worth throwing.
- Super Sweet 16 cakes need between nine and 16 levels, one for each degree of obnoxiousness and self-centeredness for the birthday girl. Yes, they were probably inspired by Dante's Circles of Hell.
I'm glad I had my Sweet 16 at my parents' house, got no car, didn't prove to the neighbors that we rocked the hardest on the block and that the most famous person in attendance was the high school mascot. That's not even true. We didn't have a mascot. Thanks MTV for the party favor.