08/30/2012 12:21 pm ET Updated Dec 21, 2012

Open Letter to People Who Say South Beach Residents Never Leave the Beach

Dear People Who Say South Beach Residents Never Leave the Beach,

You're right.

While we appreciate your invitations, the following will not inspire us to take our talents off South Beach:

  • Shopping at Dadeland or Dolphin Mall, even for that great sale at Forever 21
  • A colleague's 2-year-old's clown-themed birthday Saturday 10 a.m. in Pinecrest
  • A coffee date in Boca
  • The third installment of a trilogy movie also showing on Lincoln Road. Especially not a film with that Trampire
  • A job that pays less per hour than two gallons of gas
  • Lunch at the Cheesecake Factory (even for the SkinnyLicious® Menu )
  • Zumba class at L.A. Fitness Doral
  • A party at the Hard Rock. We don't need to drive to 954 for clubs, bottle service and tackiness
  • To cat-sit or water your plants
  • Panthers tickets. Plus, we'd have to wear winter clothes to the rink. Brrrrr.
  • Any party serving Bud Light Lime
  • Any event "hosted by" Kim Kardashian, but don't all these take place on the Beach anyway?
  • A singles mixer hosted by Fill in the Blank

To drive a car over a causeway instead of scooting, skating, walking, blading or taxiing around our beloved beach, it needs to be worth it. The following invitations might get us off the beach. I said "might."

  • An invitation to celebrate with the NBA Champions Miami Heat coaching staff the night they sign a key new player
  • Any invitation during Urban Beach Weekend. But realize that we're not leaving your house again until Monday night, so this invite has to last for 72 hours.
  • A party at a plastic surgeon's house where he shows off his latest creations. This invitation's acceptance vs. refusal pattern may split by gender. But like Kimmy K's hosting of gigs, don't these all happen on the beach anyway? Lucky us.
  • A boat invite. But wouldn't it be easier for everyone if you'd pick us up at Monty's Miami Beach or Sunset Harbour?
  • A tailgate at Dolphin Stadium boasting keg stands and a promise that we won't have to go into Liv
  • Good Chinese food. We will fly to NYC for it, so we could consider a drive to Tropical Chinese
  • Art Basel's midtown tents
  • The thousand-person costume party at the Viscaya, but we now have the Little Lighthouse Nightmare on the Beach, which gives it a run for its money
  • Food trucks, but how hard is it for them to drive over to the beach?
  • A Top Chef's new pop-up

Under no circumstance will we drive on and off the beach during high traffic weekends like Winter Music Fest or Boat Show, so save your great new antique store in the Gables invitation for another time.

If you want to come meet us on the beach, here are some parking tips.

Your 33139 friends