05/16/2012 06:46 pm ET Updated Jul 16, 2012

Hey Man, I Read That Thing You Sent 6 Months Ago and Have Some Notes

Hey man,

So I finally read your screenplay, and let me start by saying, great job. You did a really, really great job. The metaphors? The symbolism? Just wow, man. I have a couple quick bullet points I think we should go over, but again, please keep in mind: You did a really great job. All right...

I didn't really love the title. I know you probably put a lot of thought and effort into Zombiepocalypse: To Hell and Back on the Wings of a Humidor, but something about it just didn't resonate with me. And hey, were there any zombies in the script? Also, I'm not sure you know what a humidor is.

As much as it pains me to say this, your protagonist isn't super likable. I get that he's a Nazi sympathizer of Jewish descent, and trust me, the irony is not lost... I'm just not sure you earned a lot of your payoffs. Like, when Schlomo Goldsteinberg says, "You Jews are dirt!" and then looks to camera and says, "The dirt in which all life grows has to come from somewhere," didn't have a real impact on me. It's usually more impressive when a character is able to say something without explicitly saying it. Does that make sense? Also, the name "Schlomo Goldsteinberg" might be considered offensive. What if you used a name like Howard? Or Craig?

I'm not sure you need that much product placement in your script.

Okay, so the ending was awesome! Really great job! It's always so impressive to me when someone can earn an amazing ending that seemingly comes out of nowhere. Really, really, super impressed. On the same vein, does the world have to explode a second time?

Most of the screenplays I read are around 100 pages, but yours, at 361 pages, is by far the longest I've ever read. Don't get me wrong, all the pages are awesome, I'm just wondering if there are cuts to be made. For example, on page 234 the stage direction reads:

The black guy from earlier enters and sees Whats-her-face. He looks at her like she's the one he's gonna get with, but trust me, he won't. She's a lesbian. Wait... did we talk about that yet? That actually might come later. Okay, okay, ignore what I just said. Also, did I mention that we're in Ireland now? Oh, and it's 1945. I forget where I landed on subtitles, but I feel like I'm gonna want them.

I don't know... might be able to tighten that up a little bit.

Okay, so I have a couple more notes, but I... Oh actually, wait. I just got an email from you saying you did a re-write and I should throw out this old script and read the new one. Huh. Well... I guess ignore this email? I'll have new thoughts for you in a day or so. A week, tops.


Editor's note: This post is intended to be construed as satire.