Our parents were right. Turns out, anyone really can grow up to president of the United States, qualified for the job or not.
Forget the deplorables. This is the era of The Unqualifieds. To anyone who has ever aspired to a position for which they are totally unprepared, Donald Trump has provided hope. Despite what human resources people have been telling you, it is no longer necessary to have skills for the job you want.
Research, reading, learning about things that are essential to what you want to do -- they are all overrated, thanks to Donald's successful campaign for the Presidency.
Intellectual curiosity, what's that?
Listening to other people's advice, gaining knowledge from their wisdom?
A waste of time.
Thanks to Donald Trump, all you need to get ahead is a pair of giant brass balls (or a brass p-word for the ladies) and the ability to bully your rivals by calling them schoolyard names.
You may think this is a giant step backward. But, in reality, it eliminates a lot of the mess that traditionally goes with being qualified to do something.
Now, the job can simply be handed to the biggest, loudest asshole applying for it (I know, that's always been kind of true.)
Job interviews once designed to establish someone's credentials and enthusiasm will now go something like this:
"What makes you qualified for job?"
"I have the best qualifications."
"Um, okay, can you be a little more specific?"
"I use the best words."
"Can you tell us some of those 'best words'?"
"I will build a great wall -- and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me -- and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words."
"That's fascinating, but that really has nothing to do with this job."
"This interview it totally rigged against me."
"By the dishonest media."
The interviewer looks around. It is only him and the job candidate in the room.
"What dishonest media?"
"They're very dishonest."
The interviewer decides to press on.
"How do you get along with co-workers, women in particular?"
"That's such a politically correct question. I'm tired of everyone being so politically correct."
"I was simply asking how you get along with women."
"No one has more respect for women than I do, that I can tell you."
"Well, for example, I have a beautiful daughter, and if she wasn't my daughter, I might want to
The interviewer appears momentarily horrified.
"Um, okay, how else do you have respect for women?"
"Well, I grab women by the pussy."
The ashen-faced interviewer pauses.
"What about other groups?"
"I have a great relationship with the blacks. I love Hispanics. I love disabled people and other losers."
"How do you interact with authority figures?"
"All I can tell you is, I know more about ISIS than the generals."
"This job doesn't involve dealing with ISIS....anyway, let's move on. What's your four-year career plan?"
"I have a plan but I can't tell you."
"I like to be unpredictable."
"If you weren't to get this job, what would you do"?
"Well, I'd have to think about that. I don't know if I would accept that result. I'll tell you at the proper time."
"Well, we're almost done here. Is there anything else you want to add?
"I'm going to be the best employee you've ever had, I will tell you that. Besides, your company is in terrible shape, you're a bunch of losers, you live in crime-infested neighborhoods, you can't get jobs, so really, what do you have to lose by hiring me? What do you have to lose?"
"Well, our company is actually coming of the best five years in our history. We don't live in crime-infested neighborhoods. And I have no idea what you mean that we can't get good jobs. You've given rambling, bizarre answers during the interview, often unrelated to the questions asked. But you're brash, ballsy, arrogant and seem not to care about anything but yourself. Bottom line? You're hired."
So, thank you Donald Trump, from everyone who has ever wanted a job for which they are utterly unqualified.
I'm off to try out for wide receiver on the New England Patriots. How could they possibly not hire a guy in his 60s with limited athletic ability? Donald, you're my inspiration.