01/26/2012 04:34 pm ET Updated Mar 27, 2012

Are We Preparing for War with the Cayman Islands?

In a hangar in a secret location a corps of specially-trained auditors and CPAs are being prepped for the fight of their lives.

They are being led by highly-trained actuaries with orders to amortize first then ask questions later. (It is a little-known fact that actuaries have their senses of humor surgically removed when they pass their 9th exam.) These guys mean business.

Their target: The Cayman Islands.

Even though the fear-of-physical-activity gene was implanted in each one of these troops upon completion of the CPA exam, these intrepid pencil pushers are planning to parachute under the cover of a bank holiday into the Island that holds the Capital Gains for most of the world's wealthiest investors.


Since the Cayman Islands have secured so much American capital it is necessary for the Obama Administration to take steps to recoup the TARP, the stimulus, and the moral compass of the Republican Party. (The moral compass is reportedly stored in a warehouse close to a bad imitation Philly Cheesesteak stand on one of the beaches.)

As the government doled out cash to fat-cat after fat-cat, these guys took our money and ran with it.

Reports are that the fat-cats are sitting on the cash in the banks on these islands. Even though the money is a little stinky from these people sitting on it, it needs to be unleashed here at home.

If even one trillion dollars (that is written $1,000,000,000,000) of the cash tied up in the Caymans can be released for its original purposes; investing in American infrastructure and the American people, it will mean President Obama's reelection.

Romney Co. will not allow that to happen. Allied with his subsidiaries, Newt Inc., and Group Santorum (please, do not Google that), these forces will do everything possible to take down these soldiers of a different intelligence.

Once auditors can getg through the thicket of bank regulations and international law to reveal exactly how much money Mitt Romney has holed up in these banks, it will be worth the sacrifice.