05/30/2012 05:26 pm ET Updated Jul 30, 2012

New Responses For Old Birthers

Birthers are a humorless lot. Their heads explode with the idea the Barack Hussein Obama II is their leader.

Well, President Obama is their leader if these folks wish to identify themselves as Americans. I love correcting them to say, "Oh you mean PRESIDENT Obama?" when they spit the name Obama out like he is a foreigner or worse.

The initial political response to the birthers was to ignore them and then produce the long form birth certificate from Hawaii. These were pretty reasonable methods to snuff this stuff out.

But it ain't working.

The birthers continue to want to go silly. It is time to fight silly with stupid.

Stupid Method 1: The Ju-Jitzu.

Take the birthers at their word that President Obama isn't born here, provided they can acknowledge the GOP screwed up the country so badly from 2001-2008 that the ONLY place to get a workable solution was from deep, dark Kenya.

We like what this foreign-born leader has done for us. Trumpet the idea that Kenya has gotten the United States out of the hole. It has to kill the American exceptionalists to admit this. (For the bonus head explosion, throw in how this Muslim has performed in a superior fashion leading this 'Christian' nation.)

It is very easy to explain the choice in 2008 was between a guy who was born in Panama and the one born in Kenya -- so it is a push. We weren't going to get a natural citizen anyway, so we picked the best available.

Maybe if the GOP could find someone qualified to do something besides rip companies apart, they might get some traction this time.

BTW, where was Mitt Romney born? Birth certificate please...
Where was his dad born? Birth certificate please...
Follow-up question: Is Mitt Romney an anchor baby?

Stupid Method 2: The Time Machine.

Even if you take at face value the birther claims that the President wasn't born in Hawaii from a faulty birth certificate, it still doesn't explain the birth notice in the Honolulu paper announcing the birth of Barack Hussein Obama II.

How did that notice get into the paper?

James Carville

Yes, CNN's James Carville.

He was on the inside with the Clinton Administration when they finally developed the time machine.

It was late in the second term and they left with the hardware unbeknownst to the arriving Bush Jr. administration.

When things really started to get heated, Bill Clinton volunteered Carville for the job of going back in time to place the ad in the Honolulu newspaper.

Unfortunately there were still bugs in the time machine and Carville skipped all over time.
If you want to know why the Mayans disappeared so abruptly -- ask James.

When he finally arrived in 1961 Honolulu to place the ad, Carville had a full head of hair. It was almost impossible to get him to return to this time.

For something to be considered true, it has to be coordinated on TV. With all the goofy shows on TV, I can see a pilot being done for this one -- James Carville in Time. Send him back to negotiate with Napoleon to get Louisiana or get an explanation of flight from Leonardo DaVinci.

A program like this on a leading news outlet like Comedy Central will give credence to the time machine story.

Stupid Method 3: Defensive Humor.

The way to get at the birther movement is to laugh at them. Eventually they will get tired of being laughed at, but it will take many jokes.

I am proposing a Department of Homeland Humor. The department's job will be to develop better and more precise humor techniques to disarm these domestic terrorists.

I can see getting congressional black box unlimited funding for this effort.

I want to become a humor lobbyist.